Two Square Meals

Peace of Christ to You

2010-10-24T23:46:00.002-04:00

We said very sad farewells using these very words to many of our dear friends at church today, and they seemed a fitting way to sign off of this blog. Peace to you.

Well, that and a couple of Calvinisms...

The other day he got a huge splinter in his foot, and as we were pulling it out, he lamented, "I can see the death that will befall me!"

Then, as we were pouring some hydrogen peroxide on the wound, "No! No! Don't put carbon monoxide on it! That is dangerous"

Today, on the way home from church, he was discussing the fact that Auntie E had actually bought our Wii for Daddy a couple of years ago. "She didn't know the lion's den she was walking into with that one, did she? She thought she got that for our daddy, but all we do is play it all the time. We use it more than Daddy. It's just Wii, Wii, Wii."

Time to Close Up Shop

2010-10-19T22:10:00.004-04:00

I started this blog over three years ago as an outlet from life with little people. I had no idea what a gift it would be to me or how many interesting and thoughtful people I would meet through this world. So many of you have been gifts to me through your insightful writing on your own blogs and your kind comments on mine. Thank you for the good conversation over the years.

I am going to have to stop posting here while we are in China, though I may resurrect this little spot one day. In the meantime, we will have a family blog in China. If you are interested, e-mail me for the link.

I feel like there should be a bigger ceremony, a long post about TwoSquareMeals, or some other thoughtful something to end this, but we are getting on a plane in less than nine days. I barely have the energy to write this post. It is going to be a long week!

In lieu of something to say, I am going to show my real face, and that of my kids. Here's the face behind the curtain. Check out the bloody knee from a recent hike to my favorite waterfall in TN. We've enjoyed our last autumn in the States with lots of mountain time!

Ramblin' Woman

2010-09-23T22:01:00.003-04:00

It looks pretty certain that we are leaving for China in about FIVE WEEKS!! Don't even ask me how much we have to get done. I am really praying it all gets finished in time for us to enjoy our last few weeks here.

Today I said the first in what promises to be a long string of good-byes. I've known Max for fifteen years, longer than I've known my husband or any of my friends here in North Carolina. We have so many memories together, driving curvy mountain roads, windows down, music blaring, stopping to pick daisies on the roadside in the summer and inhaling the cool air of autumn. We drove all around East Tennessee during high school, staying out too late and goofing off in the innocent way you can only do in a small mountain town. He went with me when I decided to take a roadtrip one summer in college "just because." We wound our way through Virginia, Pennsylvania, and New York visiting friends along the way and getting lost in New Jersey. He went along when my friend Matt and I made our epic trip to Mardi Gras one February. He was there for late night talks with boyfriends and midnight runs to the Waffle House in college. He ran away with me every time I needed to get away during my restless years, driving off to Jones Gap to hike or just driving, with no destination in mind, until my mind cleared and I found peace enough to go home.

Max, Maxwell, short for Maxwell's Silver Hammer is my silver, 1995 Acura Integra. (Yes, I named all of our family's cars after Beatles' songs, but I just can't come up with a name for our black minivan.) I suppose I should say he "was" my Integra. I didn't think I would be so sad to sell him. We need the money to get us by until we leave for the field, and we don't need the extra car. It didn't make sense to keep him sitting idle somewhere for four years.

But as I drove to meet the new owner this evening, I cried. This was my first car, bought for me by my Daddy. It's a huge memory of him, not to mention all the memories I have associated with that car after fifteen years of driving it. I was such a restless, lost soul for so many years, and that car was the one thing that stayed constant and went with me wherever I ran to...that car and the Holy Spirit, I suppose.

Selling Maxwell today reminded me of the person I was, the restless, rambling, music and fresh air loving girl that used to drive around with the windows down and the Allman Brothers playing. I never was happy in one place for very long, and I used to be able to pack up everything I needed in that car and just take off at a moment's notice. Somewhere in the midst of a marriage and three kids and five years in one place, I lost that ability to pick up and go. In some ways that was good, growing up and no longer running away, but I am starting to remember that some of that restlessness is good, a reminder that things are not as they should be and that I am not as I want to be, that there is work to be done for peace and justice and love and truth.

For too long now I have been living a stable, stationary life. It wasn't all bad, but I am waking up and realizing that God is calling me to more, that He made me restless and rambling for a reason. It's funny that the first step toward rediscovering that is selling Maxwell. Good old Maxwell, who saw me through the tumultuous years and doesn't get to see the newly restless (in a good way) me. I will miss you, my faithful traveling companion.

7 Quick Takes-Almost Too Late

2010-09-10T21:51:00.003-04:00

-1-

The busyness continues, and I'm just not finding time to organize my thoughts and write them. If all goes as planned, we will be in Asia the beginning of November. Never mind that we have a house two sell, eight years of marriage and three kids worth of stuff to go through, visas to obtain, and any number of other things to accomplish by then. Oh, and we need to find good time to spend with family and process this whole moving thing.

-2-

That leads to take number two, in which I tell you that I am not sleeping well...at all. For some of you this may be normal, but not for me. Even when I have a newborn waking me up multiple times at night, I sleep exceptionally well. In fact, sometimes my husband has to wake me up to tell me a baby is crying. All three of my kids sleep through the night now, and I have always been one to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow and not wake up until the alarm (or a child) wakes me. This lack of sleep due to stress is new for me, and I am not handling it well at all. Any suggestions other than just drinking lots of caffeinated drinks? Help, anyone?

-3-

On a brighter note, we spent Labor Day weekend in the mountains and took Monday totally off from moving/support raising/totally uprooting our lives work. It was lovely and cool and clear on the Blue Ridge Parkway, and we stopped at my favorite apple orchard (definitely the most scenic in the world) for some apples. We've already made applesauce and will be doing apple butter and pie tomorrow. Yum!

-4-

I have been thinking a lot of deep thoughts lately, but I just haven't had time to process them in writing. I have been thinking about how we spend so much time living our lives for an audience and documenting them that we don't actually live them. With blogs and digital photography and Facebook and Twitter, even those of us who try to avoid it often end up spending more time thinking about how to present our lives to others than actually living them. Because I have spent so much of the summer having to live in the here and now and not even having a moment to consider blogging or taking pictures or updating Facebook, I am realizing how much better life is without all of that. I think the generation becoming adults right now is growing up more narcissistic than any before because none of us have thought through how to use this new technology well. I heard about this book on NPR the other day, and would love other good resources that discuss how to live well without becoming a luddite and rejecting all technology.

-5-

I've also been thinking about Muslims in America. I want to hate that crazy preacher in Florida who wants to burn copies of the Qu'ran. I want to hate him, but that would make me just as bad as he is. So instead I want to be like Catherine, who is finding ways to reach out to her Muslim neighbors. But can I still be mad at 24-hour news media? If it weren't for their need to have something to report on, the Qu'ran burners would not have national coverage, and the hatred that they are showing would not be the fuel for more hatred, toward Muslims or toward Christians. I'm pretty sure the Jesus I follow said something about loving my neighbor. In fact, He even said something about loving my enemy...I guess that includes the guy in Florida as much as it does the 9/11 hijackers and even the news media.

-6-

On the parenting front, I have loved this article from Leila of Like Mother, Like Daughter (whose blog you really must subscribe to). Her parenting articles (and others as well) are so sensible and down to earth. This one was even better. I especially liked the alternate version of Ma Ingalls telling Laura to go in the house when there was a bear:

Today's child, in the false comfortable world of prosperity where parents think they have the luxury of listening to "experts" (who have no obedient children themselves), would cause this scenario:

"Laura, get inside!"

"Why?"

"Sweetie, get inside, please. Mommy needs you to get inside. Mommy doesn't want to scare you, but there's a big bear and she needs you to make a good choice now and do what she says."

"Will you buy me a treat?"

"Yes, sweetie, please, go inside."

"Where's Daddy?"

"Mommy knows you have questions, and that's very smart of you. I'm so proud of you. Please go inside now."

"He's never here! Why isn't he here? You TOLD me he'd be here!"

"Sweetie, when you argue with me, you are making a bad choice. What did we say about bad choices? Now, you'll have a time-out if you don't do what I say..."

Meanwhile, the bear eats them.

Why? Because Mommy is so patient that she allowed every interaction with her child to be an exchange between equals rather than a strong wall that a child can't breach. For her own sake.

My husband and I took her advice on having obedience practice, and it has worked wonders. We randomly ask the boys to run to the middle of the room and stand on one foot or hide behind the curtains. They do it the first time we ask because it is so funny, but the great thing is that they really caught on and started obeying the first time we asked them to pick up their toys or do something helpful for us. It was...well...wonderful.

-7-

On a purely frivolous note, my team plays Oregon tomorrow. We are totally outmatched. But we are playing at home, which is an intimidating place for even number 7. It could be an upset. I can always hope...

Just Five Days...

2010-08-30T23:44:00.003-04:00

...not that I have an obsession or anything...

7 Quick Takes-T-shirts, Books, and Movies

2010-08-19T22:20:00.006-04:00

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen. And, no, I don't have one of those fancy Amazon accounts that lets me earn money when you click one of these links and buy the book. I just share my opinions on books for free because they aren't worth much more than that.

-1-

First this link, because it is more important than anything I have to say. My amazingly compassionate, loving, beautiful friends are in the process of adopting a daughter (or a pair of siblings) from Ethiopia. They already have three biological children, and they are opening their home to more. They are selling these super cool shirts to raise funds. Visit Cortney's blog to buy one. If you aren't convinced, read her story of being called to adopt. Start at the beginning or just read this post.

-2-

I have actually been making myself take time to read lately despite the insanity that surrounds me. I just finished The Alchemist, and though I don't think it was a consistently profound book, I did love it. It had many, many beautiful nuggets of truth in it, and it was a wonderful tale (fable? semi-allegory?). I think I loved it for the places it touched on Christian truth in the way I love a good movie that has glimpses of the truth in it. It's a quick read, one that had been on my list forever, and definitely worth it.

-3-

I am also finally trying to get serious about this idea of homeschooling and buckling down to read The Well-Trained Mind. I love the idea of classical education, but I am not sure I would love the practical working out of it. Anyone have any experience or advice on this? It seems so heavily academic at such an early age, and that scares me off a bit. Since my boys will already be in Chinese Kindergarten in the mornings, I don't want to overdo it. I'd love to hear from other moms of young ones who have started classical education at home.

-4-

For something less deep but just as wonderful, I just finished Adriana Trigiani's Very Valentine. I love her Big Stone Gap series and all of her books, and this new book did not disappoint. I'm looking forward to reading the next in the series.

-5-

If you are interested in China or good travel/culture books in general, you can't beat Peter Hessler. I highly recommend every one of his books, including Country Driving, of which I have only read the first ten pages. He is an incredibly talented story teller/writer/weaver of words, and you will not regret picking up one of his books.

-6-

On to visual media...We have been loving Foyle's War in the Two Square household. We get the episodes through Netflix and have gotten my husband's whole family addicted to this fantastic British murder drama set in World War II. The history is fascinating and the characters are lovably British. (Why DO we Americans have such an obsession with all things British?)

-7-

On the personal front, for those who care, we are...well...still really busy and traveling and trying to sell our house (or rent it...what to do, what to do) and making phone calls and sending letters and praying really hard that we can get to Asia by November at the latest. If you are the praying sort, please pray with us!

And Also With You

2010-08-08T22:41:00.002-04:00

"Calvin, you can't say those words to Auntie S. Words have meaning, and when you say that you don't love her you are saying what those words mean, even if you don't really think you are. You need to apologize and tell Auntie S that you love her."

It seems we have this conversation a lot with our boys. We tell them that we don't say words like that in our family, that we love one another because we are family and because God placed us together. We stress that these are the relationships that we must guard most closely because our parents and brothers and aunts and uncles and grandparents will be with us the rest of our lives. Even when we are halfway around the world, these relationships will come with us. They are gifts to be cherished.

~~~

Some say that the very repetition of the liturgy, Sunday after Sunday, renders it meaningless, but I don't agree. The words I say matter, not because of how I feel about them, but because the truth in them has power to change me. Every Sunday, as I recite the Nicene Creed and pray the prayer of confession and offer the "Peace of Christ" to those around me, those words mean something.

Whether I have conjured enough faith in my heart or paid enough attention to each word that Sunday matters little. I have chosen to say those words and those words have meaning. By saying them, I choose to be transformed by them and to join the community of the church, both in that building on Sunday and throughout all of history.

Some Sundays I am distracted by children or exhausted by life and go through almost an entire liturgy without thinking about what I am saying. But it never fails that one word or phrase or prayer jolts me out of my distraction and reminds me of the cosmic reality, the meaning behind those words.

"The Lord be with you."

"And also with you."

We say these words every Sunday during the Eucharistic liturgy, as the priest begins preparing the table. So often I have said it and only half thought about it, but this past week, as I looked at our pastor and dear friend who was serving the Eucharist, the meaning behind what I said moved me to tears. Suddenly I knew, beyond any doubt, that I truly wanted the Lord, in all of His fullness, to be with our rector and with that beautiful group of people gathered to commune around His table. Because of that moment, because of the meaning of those words, my soul was changed. I am certain that when I am halfway around the world and remembering that liturgy, even as my church family is saying it aloud together, my soul will be knit to theirs. I know that, because the Lord is with me and also with them, we are united in His love.

Words have meaning, and when I say them I am transformed. When we say them together, our souls are united in worship. No matter how alone I am feeling in a foreign country, no matter how much my faith may whither, I can speak the words of the liturgy and know that there is a greater truth than how I am feeling. The Word, who cares about my feelings and my struggles, meets me in that liturgy, and the strength of the community sustains me when I am too weak to say the words alone.

We love one another because we are family and because God placed us together. These are the relationships that we must guard most closely because our spiritual parents and brothers and aunts and uncles and grandparents will be with us the rest of our lives. Even when we are halfway around the world, these relationships will come with us. They are gifts to be cherished.

~~~

And so Calvin and Hobbes say the words of apology and love, sometimes sincerely and sometimes still protesting in their hearts while they repeat what we have said. But they say them because those words have the power to transform them, to remind them that they do love, to unite them to a truth greater than their own emotions.

"I love you Auntie S."

"The Lord be with you..."

It Can't Be Helped

2010-08-02T21:00:00.002-04:00

As I cuddled with Calvin on the couch Sunday night, the night before his sixth birthday, I said, "Don't turn six, Calvin."

"It can't be helped," was his reply.

His answer was so very Calvin-like, with his uncanny ability to toss out grown-up or antiquated turns of phrase at the most unlikely of moments. But lately those grown-up ways of speaking seem to fit him more and more. He is really growing up into a boy-man, and though there are traces of those emotional meltdowns and tantrums of his preschool years, he often tries really hard to control them. I love watching him discover his gifts and passions, seeing him learn to take responsibility, and following him along this path to greater independence. He stays up way past his bedtime reading old Hardy Boys books, he takes care of Linus with great attention, and he can occupy himself with Legos for hours on end. He is one amazing kid, and I am privileged to be his mommy.

I have not been a great mom to preschoolers, but if what I see of Calvin is indicative of the future, I think I am going to like the boy years. It can't be helped.

Boys vs. Birds

2010-08-01T21:38:00.002-04:00

This lovely picture was taken by my youngest sister-in-law. So was the one in my header.

We survived our back-to-back vacation weeks and even managed to have fun. Now on to some seriously intense prayer and support development and a big push to try to get to Asia soon. It doesn't look likely to happen in September, and we are just trusting that it will happen when God wants it to. Prayers are appreciated. I think I need to start really blogging again for the sake of my sanity. We'll see if it happens.

I hope you are all having lovely ends of the summer!

Eat A Peach

2010-07-17T00:42:00.003-04:00

Or so say the Allman Brothers. Aren't they lovely? They are in my mother-in-law's orchard. I'm going to miss this place. We're off for back-to-back weeks for vacation with both sides of the family. I may write a lot. I may not write at all. I will definitely be eating peaches.

Breaking the Silence, Showing our Face

2010-07-06T23:21:00.004-04:00

I know I have sorely neglected this spot lately, but I am afraid that is just the way it is. It is going to be awfully silent around here and then may have to be shut down entirely once we move. I am working on finding a way to keep a blog overseas that won't compromise our security there.

There is so very much to do to get read for this move overseas. So. Very. Much. I am tired and overwhelmed and leaning more into God's grace and love and faithfulness every day. So many thoughts come and go before I have a chance to write and work them out here. But there are very good moments in the midst of the busy-ness.

We have such very, very good friends and such a very, very amazing church. We have wonderful family. We are enjoying baby goats. Check out my photo in my header. This is the first time I have shown the faces of my sweet boys in this space. Please respect my desires for their security and just enjoy the sweet photo. I am actually showing you a peek of my boys because I adore the way Hobbes is looking at the goat and the way you can see Linus' amazingly long lashes when he is looking down. Life is good, and getting to Asia will be good. The harder we work, I am learning, the better it is.

To Have and To Hold

2010-06-23T00:10:00.003-04:00

We are so, so, so busy and overwhelmed (mostly in a good way) right now, that I didn't realize until 9:30 tonight that today is our eight year wedding anniversary. I wouldn't have remembered at all if the guy on the classical radio station hadn't mentioned it's being his and his wife's 52nd anniversary. My husband would have forgotten it, too, if my mom hadn't called to apologize about forgetting it. Oh well, at least we both forgot it!

Happy anniversary to my wonderful husband! Here's hoping we get to celebrate 52 years together like the couple on the radio!

House Rules

2010-06-16T16:33:00.004-04:00

Calvin wrote these out a couple of weeks ago, and I thought I'd share. Here's the translation for those who have trouble reading his writing:

Do not be bad.
Be good.
Do not fight other people if they don't want to be fought.
Play Wii.
Don't stay in bed in the morning.
Eat your meals.

In other news, check out that cute pudgy hand picking the blueberries in my header. We were in TN last week and enjoyed some of the fruits of my late grandma's lovely blueberry bushes.

My Life Right Now: A Photo Essay

2010-06-08T15:12:00.011-04:00

-letters and labels and stamps-

-chasing this guy and trying to keep him fed and uninjured-

-yard sale pile and boxes-

-prayer group preparations-

-enjoying a bit of the beauty of our yard-

-trying to make our house beautiful-

-rewarding Calvin and Hobbes for helping with the cleaning-

-drinking lot of sweet tea to keep going-
(Thank you, Chick-fil-A, for making the nectar of the gods.)

AND

-procrastinating here when there is way too much to do-

Hello?

2010-06-06T14:12:00.003-04:00

She opens the door with caution and peeks her head outside...

Anyone still around out there? I assure you I have been reading your blogs. Our lives have just been so busy with this new plan that I have not had a spare moment to comment or to write for myself. I miss this little outlet for my thoughts, though, and wanted to at least stop in and say "hi." Here's a brief update followed by a funny Hobbes story.

Oh, and if you just read me in your reader, you really should go on over to my blog and see the cute ducklings in the photo on my header. They were born at my in-laws' farm last week, and we have been enjoying them immensely.

Things are moving forward quickly with our plans for Asia. We have been contacting a lot of churches and are getting ready to send out a letter and start calling folks to talk about our plans. We have no idea where the funding will come from in such a short time or how all of the details will fall into place, but God is showing me that I just need to worry about doing what I can do in one day, not looking ahead to too many details at once.

Here's a wonderful story that feels like such a confirmation of God's provision in all of this. I was so stressed out about getting the house ready, purging and storing our things, and staging the house to have on the market. I had no idea when we would get it done with all of the more immediate needs of medical clearances and passports and building our support team. Thanks to a random e-mail I sent to a listserve, we already have a couple that is highly interested. We've shown the house twice to their daughters, and they are driving down from NY to check it out for themselves. Wouldn't it by funny if, after all of my stress about how to get it all done, these folks bought the house without my even having to do one more project or get it all cleaned out and staged? Maybe it won't work out that way, but right now, it certainly seems to have God's hand all over it.

I still have so little faith that we can get from 15% to 100% of our support in a month, get our ducks in a row, get our visas, and get there by September. But there are a lot of people praying with a lot of faith for it to happen. And God seems to be showing me that I can trust Him to show up in big ways. This is ultimately His work to do, not ours, and we are just called to be faithful each day to the tasks He has given. That may or may not mean He wants to get us there by September. But I think my faith is going to be stretched a lot this summer! It's hard to live this out, but I know we will look back one day and have a great story to tell.

Now, I'm off for a much needed Sabbath rest. The boys have been so funny lately, and I have lots of Calvinisms and Hobbes' quotes to share with you. I just haven't had time to write them down. For now, here is a funny from Hobbes.

We were at my sister-in-law's high school graduation yesterday, and the graduates were wearing blue robes. It was hot and the ceremony was long, and I was in the back with the boys under a tree. Hobbes was sitting up in the tree, a little Zaccheus character if ever there was one, and he looked down at me with a huge grin and said, a little too loudly, "Mommy, when I'm up here, I can see lots of the blue people!"

And then, pointing to the stage at all of the dignitaries in their black academic garb, "And there are all the black people!"

Apparently, his aunt and her peers are some sort of alien race with blue skin. And we, to all of those sitting nearby who heard but had no context, are now racists.

Caught in a Whirlwind

2010-05-20T19:31:00.002-04:00

For those of you who keep up with this blog and were praying for us, we decided to accept the call from our sending agency to move fill the need in Western China. They want us there by September. That means we have to have financial and medical clearance by July. That means we have three months to get it all done and get there.

Yes, I am a bit unglued, stressed, overwhelmed, busy....you get the picture.

But I am excited, too. I know that if God wants us there He will make it happen. It is an undertaking of huge proportions, nonetheless. If we do our part to make this plan happen, we are going to be some crazy-busy people. So you may not hear much from me. It is also likely that this blog will be shut down when we move. But I am looking into ways to have another one that is a bit more secure. I'll let you know.

In the meantime, we can definitely use your prayers. I'll try to update you on occasion and maybe even have some non-moving related posts to share.

Hatching of a Heart

2010-05-17T16:05:00.003-04:00

I am an Appalachian girl. There are good things about that, but there are downsides, too. We tend to be stoic people, keeping our emotions bottled up until too much moonshine combined with an insult to our kinfolk stirs us to fightin'. But my family is one of the stoic ones, not one of the fighting ones. We don't often show emotion, even to those we love the most. Sometimes we don't even know how to deal with it inside ourselves.

I go through most of my life like this, emotionally reserved, even keel, not expressing or expecting emotional openness. I suppose that is why I am prone to depression and don't find it easy to make deep friendships.

But there are times when even I cannot keep the sadness and the beauty and the joy of life from slipping in and breaking open my heart. It is a slowly widening crack, as my Maker gently and lovingly pries open the shell around my heart. As he helps me to open up, I am learning to invite these emotions into their proper places. Most days they still feel like strangers, but sometimes, like this week, I know that they are finding in my heart a place that could be home.

As I accept the sadness of a missionary hero of mine (and dear family friend) dying of cancer then turn around to watch Linus belly laughing at his daddy and brothers, I wonder if my heart will break from the opening, from the stretching and growing and making room. As I watch Hobbes on a perfect May afternoon, picking strawberries at my in-laws' and eating them straight from the patch (See that lovely photo at the top of my blog?), I wonder if my heart can hold the beauty and heartbreak of it all. I think it is too much.

But I am trying, trying to open my heart and hands to accept life and to live it fully, to allow myself to feel deeply and truly. Maybe just maybe, this heart will hatch one day.

These Feet Were Made For Walkin'...

2010-05-04T13:56:00.002-04:00

Somehow, in this insanely busy past month, Baby Linus became Toddler Linus. I almost missed it. I mean, I knew he was starting to walk and getting braver every day, but I was so overwhelmed and exhausted that I almost forgot to celebrate when those cute, curled up toes decided it was time to conquer the world. I certainly didn't manage to get video of it. I do have video of some of his early steps, so I guess that's good enough.

But walking is not the only way he is growing up. We are down to two nursing sessions a day, sometimes one, and while I thought he might hold on for a while longer, it seems like he may be ready to wean. I had a rare peaceful moment with him today. As we lay on my bed, him feeding and holding onto my shirt and me stroking his cheek, I knew that this might be the last time like this, even if not the last time he nurses.

Linus has never been one to nurse to sleep or want to cuddle. He likes breastfeeding, but he usually does it quickly and hops up to play. Even as a newborn, he nursed right after waking and preferred to go to sleep on his own in his crib later. For the most part, I have been very thankful that my third wanted to go to sleep on his own. It made life much easier for me after having had two who needed lots of help going to sleep. But now that we are at the end, I wonder what I missed. Nursing him has always been a distracted business, with one or the other of us busy paying attention to Calvin and Hobbes. There has been very little one-on-one time in these breastfeeding months.

So as he feel asleep this afternoon, one hand holding mine and the other clutching my shirt, I treasured it. I looked at those sweet toes, curled up under his feet after a morning of wandering the playground. I stared at his body becoming long and lean with the work of walking. And I cuddled my baby. He may be beginning the journey to boyhood, but when he is asleep and those feet are at rest, he is still my baby.

Mother's Day Giveaways All Week

2010-05-03T15:22:00.002-04:00

My friends, Catherine and Farrah, over at DuPage Mamas, are hosting a lot of giveaways this week. If you live in DuPage County, Illinois, or know someone who does, visit their site to register. Some of the giveaways are not local, so we can all enter those!

An Excuse

2010-05-01T10:00:00.004-04:00

Not that I need to give one, but here is my excuse for not writing much lately. Really, it's a call to prayer, if you are the praying type.

In the midst of three trips to Tennessee in three weeks to see my Grandma before she died and to attend her burial and the worship service celebrating her life, we got an e-mail and phone call from our sending organization for Asia. They are asking us to consider a huge shift in our plans that involves moving to another, more remote city where Daddy TwoSquare will work at a software startup whose founder is going on home assignment for a year. It is a strategic work with an important minority group focus, and if the company folds, the folks working there could lose their visas. Even if they don't, the work they are doing to build trust and to live with integrity there could be jeopardized.

Seems like a no-brainer, but it comes with a lot of cons for our family, including a limit on our language acquisition for that first year. Our original plan involved doing two years of full-time language study with very little work or ministry, living in a much more accessible city with more foreigners, and having an overall easier adjustment. This new option is in a city that I love dearly, but it is a hard place to learn language because of the work schedule my husband would have and because of the strong local dialect.

This only needs to be a temporary situation, and we can return to our original plan after the year is up. The reality, however, is that we are unlikely to want to uproot our family and move to a new city to start the cultural adjustment process all over. We can turn back to full time language study in this city after that year, but the language program is far inferior to the one we were originally planning to attend.

As you can see, I have a lot on my mind. We are praying a talking and discerning with wise counselors. If we decide to go ahead with this, they want us to try to get our support raised and be there as early in the Fall as possible, hopefully September. It is overwhelming, to say the least. But it could be exciting.

I may not be around these parts much, or I may turn here a lot to process and cope with the insanity. I would appreciate your prayers. And if you have a heart for Asia and want to learn more about what we are doing so that you can pray more specifically, I'd be glad to contact you. Just e-mail me at twosquaremeals[at]gmail[dot]com. I just can't post more specifically here for security reasons.

I am overwhelmed and exhausted and emotionally frayed, but now I am off to get a lunch packed and watch Calvin's soccer game.

Grandma's Wisdom

2010-04-28T13:53:00.002-04:00

Today, a short post, perhaps the wisest saying I've ever heard attributed to my Grandma:

"Women are mean, and men are stupid."

Knowing that could solve a lot of the world's relationship problems.

These Aren't Your Grandma's Blueberries (reposted)

2010-04-27T18:31:00.001-04:00

I was hoping to do a series of posts about my Grandma this week. I may or may not get many done. But here is one from a couple of years ago. My Grandma's house has the most amazingly prolific blueberry bushes in the backyard. This includes one of my favorite of her many delicious recipes, her blueberry batter pie.

But they are my grandma's blueberries. Aren't they lovely?

We have had a busy few days around here. On Thursday, the boys and I drove the four-hours one way trip to Tennessee just to pick some of these fantastic berries. Of course, we did manage to stay two days to enjoy family and to breathe some of the mountain air, which is significantly less oppressive than the air around here, even if it isn't that much cooler.

I'm not sure how long Grandma has had her blueberry bushes, but they are huge. She gets around 20 gallons each summer, and all of her friends and relatives who want to can take a turn picking. We got there just in time to glean some of the last fruits. In fact, my wonderful Grandma had saved two bushes just for us. Calvin had a blast picking...or eating...the berries with Grandma. Hobbes was more interested in pouring them from one bucket to another, dumping them on the ground, and generally undoing our work. He eventually decided it was more fun to play hide-and-seek in the bushes while we picked.

So now I am home with a gallon of berries, some of which I will freeze for use in oatmeal and pancakes and muffins throughout the year. Many of them we will eat in handfuls of juicy, sweet goodness. The rest will go into Grandma's blueberry batter pie and a batch of these. I am still searching for the perfect blueberry muffin recipe, so if you have a good one, send it my way. For that matter, send me any good blueberry recipes you have. I'd love to know what other people do with them!

Grandma's Blueberry Batter Pie

Melt one stick butter in the bottom of a 3 quart baking dish.

Mix 1 cup flour, 1 cup milk, 1 cup sugar, 2 tsp. baking powder, and a dash of salt. Set aside.

Combine 1 quart blueberries, 1 cup sugar, and a little water in a saucepan. Bring to a boil on stovetop and remove from heat.

Pour batter over melted butter in baking dish. Spoon blueberry mixture evenly over batter and pour remaining juice on top. Bake at 350 for 3o minutes or until batter rises to top and begins to brown.

Best served warm with some vanilla ice cream.

Eulogy for My Grandma

2010-04-24T22:53:00.004-04:00

Today was the worship service celebrating my Grandma's life. All of the grandkids were asked to say something about what we learned from her. This is what I wrote and read.

When (my uncle) asked me to write something about what I learned from Grandma or what she meant to me, I wondered what to write. Should I tell about how she taught me to make her famous chocolate cake, measuring the cocoa so that it was heaped just the right amount in the tablespoon? Or about how I used to love spending the night with her as a kid because we got to have all the candy we wanted, stay up late, and eat chicken noodle soup for lunch? Should I tell about my memories of eating freshly picked blueberries off the bushes in her backyard until my stomach hurt? Or of sitting in her living room stringing beans with her and most of the family helping? Maybe I should tell how her involvement in missions, though she never moved away from these mountains, was one of the influences that led me to follow God’s call to China. Whether big or small, all of these are pieces of her story that have helped to write mine, and I am so very grateful for them. But they are not want I really want to tell.

When I was pregnant with my third child, I wanted more than I even realized to have a girl, and when we found out we were having yet another boy, I was a bit disappointed. How does anyone raise three boys? Then I remembered (I don’t know how I had forgotten) that Grandma did it. Grandma, who had wanted so much to have just one girl and was thrilled when I was finally born into the family, raised three boys and raised them well.

When I asked her how she did it, how she managed to raise three boys who turned out so well and even liked each other, she said, “Well, I guess I just did it.” In this age, when motherhood is such a complicated business, and everyone is telling you the perfect method for childrearing and insisting that you buy their book or take their class or follow their method, my Grandma’s wisdom is the only advice that has really stuck with me. She just did it. She got up every morning and made the meals and mended the clothes and disciplined when needed and didn’t worry too much about self-esteem or cognitive development or anything else. In fact, the only thing she ever told me that she was sure to teach her boys was that church was not optional.

I know that Grandma was able to do what she did because she loved Jesus, and she showed her love for Him and for the people around her by meeting practical needs. Even her most treasured gifts to us were made for the most practical of reasons, to keep us warm. Those beautiful quilts she made for all of her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren are pieces of art, but they are not meant to hang on walls. When I tuck my three boys under them at night and crawl under one myself, I remember Grandma’s love for us and her acts of service that allowed her to do more for the Kingdom of God than she might have expected. I am reminded just to finish the next task that God places before me, to care for those He has put around me, to keep our family close and Jesus at the center. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to look back and see three godly sons, loving daughters-in-law, and grandchildren and great-grandchildren who love Jesus and their families. Because in all of those years of just doing the next practical thing, those are the works of art Grandma created, more beautiful than any quilt.

A Poem

2010-04-21T14:40:00.003-04:00

by Calvin and Hobbes (with a little help from Auntie M)

If I went to the moon, I would bring my car
So that I could put it in a star.
The star would burn up the car
And the ashes would be bizarre.
I would also bring my sword
To fight for my lord
Against Count Bleck the Mean
The most dangerous villain you've ever seen.
I would of course win the fight
Unless Count Bleck had stronger might.
And then I would have to leave the moon
And fly back to Earth very soon.

Sending Love to a Friend

2010-04-20T09:19:00.003-04:00

My dear friend in real life, Farrah, is remembering the birth and death of her firstborn son this week. She wrote a touching post about her grief and how she has grown over the past six years that I thought was worth sharing. If you have a moment, go and read it and leave her an encouraging comment. She is a beautiful woman and friend, and I have been blessed by her openness through these past six (and more) very difficult years.

Because it's still Easter...

2010-04-17T21:54:00.004-04:00

...and I've been thinking about this in the midst of grief and funerals and explaining death and resurrection to my kids. Alleluia! He is risen, indeed!

The Easter Sermon of St. John Chrysostem

Is there anyone who is a devout lover of God?
Let them enjoy this beautiful bright festival!
Is there anyone who is a grateful servant?
Let them rejoice and enter into the joy of their Lord!

Are there any weary with fasting?
Let them now receive their wages!
If any have toiled from the first hour,
let them receive their due reward;
If any have come after the third hour,
let him with gratitude join in the Feast!
And he that arrived after the sixth hour,
let him not doubt; for he too shall sustain no loss.
And if any delayed until the ninth hour,
let him not hesitate; but let him come too.
And he who arrived only at the eleventh hour,
let him not be afraid by reason of his delay.

For the Lord is gracious and receives the last even as the first.
He gives rest to him that comes at the eleventh hour,
as well as to him that toiled from the first.
To this one He gives, and upon another He bestows.
He accepts the works as He greets the endeavor.
The deed He honors and the intention He commends.

Let us all enter into the joy of the Lord!
First and last alike receive your reward;
rich and poor, rejoice together!
Sober and slothful, celebrate the day!

You that have kept the fast, and you that have not,
rejoice today for the Table is richly laden!
Feast royally on it, the calf is a fatted one.
Let no one go away hungry. Partake, all, of the cup of faith.
Enjoy all the riches of His goodness!

Let no one grieve at his poverty,
for the universal kingdom has been revealed.
Let no one mourn that he has fallen again and again;
for forgiveness has risen from the grave.
Let no one fear death, for the Death of our Savior has set us free.
He has destroyed it by enduring it.

He destroyed Hades when He descended into it.
He put it into an uproar even as it tasted of His flesh.
Isaiah foretold this when he said,
"You, O Hell, have been troubled by encountering Him below."

Hell was in an uproar because it was done away with.
It was in an uproar because it is mocked.
It was in an uproar, for it is destroyed.
It is in an uproar, for it is annihilated.
It is in an uproar, for it is now made captive.
Hell took a body, and discovered God.
It took earth, and encountered Heaven.
It took what it saw, and was overcome by what it did not see.
O death, where is thy sting?
O Hades, where is thy victory?

Christ is Risen, and you, o death, are annihilated!
Christ is Risen, and the evil ones are cast down!
Christ is Risen, and the angels rejoice!
Christ is Risen, and life is liberated!
Christ is Risen, and the tomb is emptied of its dead;
for Christ having risen from the dead,
is become the first-fruits of those who have fallen asleep.

To Him be Glory and Power forever and ever. Amen!

Grandma

2010-04-15T18:33:00.001-04:00

My dear, wonderful Grandma passed away this morning. We were praying for God to take her, as she was in much pain and ready to go. Now she is well and whole and with Jesus and all of our family that has gone before, including my daddy. She will be missed.

7 Quick Takes-Spring and New Life

2010-04-09T15:36:00.006-04:00

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen at Conversion Diary.

-1-

Happy sixth day of Easter to you! One of the things that I love about being Anglican is that Easter lasts even longer than Lent. We get to celebrate right up to Pentecost. This blog had a great quotation from N.T. Wright about how Christians should celebrate Easter. I especially like the part about champagne after morning prayers for the first week. I have read this passage before, and I think Wright is spot on. Without the resurrection, Christianity has no meaning. So celebrate! And if you want to read a good article about why the resurrection matters, check out this article by a dear friend of mine that was in this month's Christianity Today.

-2-

The plants and trees are celebrating Easter by sending out lots of pollen. If you don't live in a place that has a lot of pine trees, you don't know the joy of walking outside to see everything coated in a layer of sticky yellow-green pollen. Really, you have no idea how horrible this stuff is. Here is a picture from a couple of years ago.

Yes, that is pine pollen coating my son's bum and the slide and our porch and cars and everything inside and out. That was after a good rain, too. This year, it was dry, record heat (90ish) and windy when the green scourge hit full force. Folks said it looked like fires everywhere with the clouds of pollen blowing. Let's just say I am glad we decided to trek over the mountains this week for Spring break. It is much better in Tennessee.

-3-

As nature is putting on a show of new life (my favorite right now being the dogwood blooms), it seems many folks are welcoming new lives into their homes. So many of my friends had babies and announced it on Facebook while I was away for Lent, and I am enjoying looking at pictures of their little babes. And this blogger and mother of five boys, whom I discovered just recently, just welcomed her first baby girl. It gives me hope...not that I am planning on trying for a girl or boy any time soon or that I am even sure what I would know what to do with a girl. But I am enjoying reading her stories of life with all those boys.

-4-

Speaking of boys, mine are growing like weeds, and I am taking full advantage of the warm weather to watch as they blossom into little boys. Even sweet Linus is working on growing up on me. He is walking so much now, though not all of the time, and becoming very independent. While he keeps his agreeable disposition most of the time, he is not afraid to let us know what he wants. He screams and points and throws a tantrum until someone figures it out, and then he instantly smiles and returns to his normally pleasant self. It is almost like two different babies.

-5-

All of this life all around makes it hard to accept the death that our family is facing. We are also in Tennessee because my grandma is nearing her death. Even in the grief, though, we know that she is going to enter new life and to prepare for new creation. She is ready to go and be with her Creator and see the face of Jesus. That is one of the beauties of the created order, isn't it, that nature in her yearly death and rebirth reminds us of the truth of our rebirth that happens even as we die.

-6-

I was able to do a bit of a family history interview with my Grandma last month. Now that I am unable to continue it, I am pondering the preserving of memories in the reality of eternity and new creation. There is so much that is lost over the years, and I do think we can learn a lot from the past. At the same time, we have become a culture obsessed with documenting our lives, taking thousands of photos and updating out status every day and tweeting or twittering or whatever it is that people do. I think we obsess so much over documenting and preserving memories that we don't actually make memories or really live in the present. It is like scrapbookers who are thinking about how they will turn an event into a scrapbook page even as they are participating in it and taking photos of it. Anyway, I just think that at some point we have to trust that all of those memories that we lose along the way are being held by God for us to pull up and remember in eternity.

-7-

And now, a lighthearted Calvinism to end this Quick Takes:

Nana (to Hobbes, who had just told her about a computer game): "Really? That's interesting!"

Calvin: "You're just pretending to be interested, aren't you?"

Nana: "No, Calvin, I really am interested."

Calvin: "No you're not. That sort of think doesn't strike your fancy."

The turns of phrase that boy picks up from reading. I love it!

ALLELUIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-03T23:21:00.000-04:00

Christ is risen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He Has Done It

2010-04-02T10:58:00.002-04:00

Psalm 22 (ESV translation)
To the choirmaster: according to The Doe of the Dawn. A Psalm of David.

22:1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
2 O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.

3 Yet you are holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
4 In you our fathers trusted;
they trusted, and you delivered them.
5 To you they cried and were rescued;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

6 But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by mankind and despised by the people.
7 All who see me mock me;
they make mouths at me; they wag their heads;
8 “He trusts in the Lord; let him deliver him;
let him rescue him, for he delights in him!”

9 Yet you are he who took me from the womb;
you made me trust you at my mother's breasts.
10 On you was I cast from my birth,
and from my mother's womb you have been my God.
11 Be not far from me,
for trouble is near,
and there is none to help.

12 Many bulls encompass me;
strong bulls of Bashan surround me;
13 they open wide their mouths at me,
like a ravening and roaring lion.

14 I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax;
it is melted within my breast;
15 my strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to my jaws;
you lay me in the dust of death.

16 For dogs encompass me;
a company of evildoers encircles me;
they have pierced my hands and feet—
17 I can count all my bones—
they stare and gloat over me;
18 they divide my garments among them,
and for my clothing they cast lots.

19 But you, O Lord, do not be far off!
O you my help, come quickly to my aid!
20 Deliver my soul from the sword,
my precious life from the power of the dog!
21 Save me from the mouth of the lion!
You have rescued me from the horns of the wild oxen!

22 I will tell of your name to my brothers;
in the midst of the congregation I will praise you:
23 You who fear the Lord, praise him!
All you offspring of Jacob, glorify him,
and stand in awe of him, all you offspring of Israel!
24 For he has not despised or abhorred
the affliction of the afflicted,
and he has not hidden his face from him,
but has heard, when he cried to him.

25 From you comes my praise in the great congregation;
my vows I will perform before those who fear him.
26 The afflicted shall eat and be satisfied;
those who seek him shall praise the Lord!
May your hearts live forever!

27 All the ends of the earth shall remember
and turn to the Lord,
and all the families of the nations
shall worship before you.
28 For kingship belongs to the Lord,
and he rules over the nations.

29 All the prosperous of the earth eat and worship;
before him shall bow all who go down to the dust,
even the one who could not keep himself alive.
30 Posterity shall serve him;
it shall be told of the Lord to the coming generation;
31 they shall come and proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn,
that he has done it.

All of today's daily lectionary readings from the Book of Common Prayer can be found here. They are powerful. I encourage you to read them.

Stay with me...

2010-04-01T22:05:00.001-04:00

...Remain here with me. Watch and pray.

And they went to a place called Gethsemane. And he said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” And he took with him Peter and James and John, and began to be greatly distressed and troubled. And he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch.” And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” And he came and found them sleeping, and he said to Peter, “Simon, are you asleep? Could you not watch one hour? Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” And again he went away and prayed, saying the same words. And again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were very heavy, and they did not know what to answer him. And he came the third time and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and taking your rest? It is enough; the hour has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us be going; see, my betrayer is at hand.” (Mark 14:32-43, ESV)

"That's exactly why I'm not heavy into activities" (Or I wasn't, anyway.)

2010-03-27T20:46:00.004-04:00

Bonus points if you know the movie I'm quoting. In this week's 7 Quick Takes, I promised a post about soccer.

I have sworn since Calvin was first born that I was not going to have my kids involved in a lot of activities and spend all of our time in the car. In fact, avoiding "minivanitis," as a friend puts it, is one of the reasons I am looking forward to moving to Asia. Now, I took piano lessons and spent nearly every day at the ballet studio as a teenager, so I am not sure why I am so opposed to the idea. Perhaps it's because I want to avoid living an over-scheduled life. Maybe it's because I don't want my children burning out before they reach middle school. Most likely it is because my rebellious nature causes me to dig in my heels every time I find myself taking one more step toward a conventional, suburban, American life.

So when I suggested to my husband that we sign Calvin up for soccer, he pretty much thought I was crazy. I pretty much thought I was crazy, too. Calvin had been kicking the ball around with Auntie M and really fell in love with it. When he found out that kids his age played real games on real teams, he was ecstatic. With great hesitation, we signed him up for the Spring youth league that started in March.

That was in January. Over the past two and a half months, we have become increasingly certain that our decision was actually a good one. Calvin spends a lot of time outside playing sports of all kinds by himself these days, kicking the soccer ball, hitting golf balls, asking us to pitch a softball to him so he can practice batting. But he is always by himself.

When Calvin competes with an actual person, his good sportsmanship skills leave a lot to be desired. An innocent board game like Candy Land often ends with the board turned over, pieces scattered, and Calvin stomping off, fists on hips, ready to punch anyone who gets in his way. Bike rides turn into screaming, hysterical meltdowns if Hobbes gets a head start and is in front of him for even one second. Never mind that Calvin always passes his brother in the end. He is a remarkably bad loser. Every time. I would say it's just a kid thing, but Hobbes is not like Calvin, not to that extent.

With this is mind, we headed to the fields today, Calvin in his sky-blue shirt, ready for the first game of the season. I wasn't expecting much, since the only practice had been sort of chaotic, but when the whistle blew, a miracle happened right before my eyes. Sure, the kids all sort of ran in a clump around the ball. And they kicked it out of bounds or into the other team's goal more than into their own. Players tripped their teammates. No one kept score, and there were not many rules to follow.

But Calvin ran and dribbled and kicked and tripped with the best of them. He ran hard, determination and joy mingling on his face. He celebrated when his team got a goal, whether he kicked it in or not. He gave high fives and listened to his coaches and actually tried to play the game with his team instead of in spite of them. When the other team scored, or he accidentally kicked it into their goal, those hands went to his hips for a minute, a scowl threatening on his face. Just as quickly, the ball moved in the other direction, and his scowl was lost in joy as he ran back down the field. When the game ended and the teams lined up to shake hands, he didn't just give a slap and a mumbled "good game" to each passing player. He walked down the line, huge grin covering his entire face, giving each player a hearty handshake as he went.

At the end of the game, two players on each team got the "MVP" award and received a coupon for a free ice cream treat. The idea is that each child will receive one by the end of the season. Part of me cringes at that, at the way our society wants to make everyone feel like a winner when I want my kids to realize that they will lose sometimes. Part of me hates that they don't keep scores at kids' games so that feelings don't get hurt. But most of me knows that minimizing competition is a really good thing for Calvin right now. His joy in the game might just be enough to move him a little closer to good sportsmanship, and if he can just learn to think less and move faster, he might even become decent at this sport.

Then again, this is Calvin, the king of overthinking. I don't really care how good he becomes, as long as he learns to lose and win with grace. Missed goals and all, when he ran to show me his award tonight, there wasn't a prouder mom on the soccer field. Then he showed me the certificate and said, with much disappointment, "Mommy, it just says a free waffle cone."

"Don't worry, Calvin, it means a waffle cone with ice cream."

And now I'm off to wash a uniform for tomorrow's game. Maybe afterward we'll celebrate with that ice cream cone.

7 Quick Takes

2010-03-25T20:24:00.007-04:00

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen at Conversion Diary. I'll probably be quiet around here next week. A blessed Holy Week to you.

-1-

So it may be Holy Week next week, but there is another religion that takes precedence in March around these parts. We are not much into basketball in the TwoSquare household, having a strong preference for the true Southern sport, football. The bookworm in me found this alternate Tournament of Novels much more exciting. There is a vote each day (starting yesterday) until it gets down to a champion, so go over to help decide if The Brothers Karamozov truly is the greatest novel ever. I am only disappointed that Absalom, Absalom didn't make it. I'm sure Rosa Coldfield would've made a great point guard.

-2-

Speaking of Holy Week, I am totally unprepared. I have done NOTHING with my kids for Lent this year other than going to an amazing Stations of the Cross that our youth pastor coordinated. It was a really meaningful time for all of us, with art and sensory experiences to tell the story of the Passion. But other than that, nothing. Any ideas for easy ways to at least make next week meaningful?

-3-

We did do a pretty good job of keeping up with our fast from artificial light after sundown. We were often out of town or at my in-laws', so it didn't always happen. But when it has, it has been really good. I think we will keep it up one night a week after Lent.

-4-

My personal Lent has not been much better than what I did with the kids. I always find myself suddenly wanting to be more serious about it right around now, a few days before Holy Week. But it is hard to practice self-denial and be in a somber mood when the world outside is already in full bloom. The boys brought me this lovely bouquet from Auntie M's house this week. See why it is hard to keep a Lenten mind in this part of the country in March?

-5-

So I think I am going to try just a couple of things from now until Easter Sunday. I am going to get up early to pray, and I am going to try to fast from sweets/refined sugar. I know I can't completely avoid sugar that is already in things without a major lifestyle change, but just avoiding sweet foods and sugar in my tea and such will be hard enough.

-6-

I also finally made a Lenten playlist for my iPhone this week. It has some classic Lenten hymns on it and some parts of Handel's Messiah, but it also has such classic Lenten selections as Good Friday by the Cowboy Junkies and The Weight as sung by Bob Dylan. Oh, and let's not forget Let It Be, Blackbird, and Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles, along with some Johnny Cash, U2, and Indigo Girls for good measure. Seriously, they are all songs that speak of longing and loss and a need for redemption. It has helped to sober my mind, even as I drive past large patches of daffodils on the side of the interstate.

-7-

Soon Easter will be here, and we are deciding what we will take up for the season, as we have given up some things for Lent. I think Daddy TwoSquare and I are going to take up exercise, perhaps in the form of the Couch25K program. If you know me, and know how much I hate running, you may think this should have been a Lenten discipline. But I am at the point where I know any sort of commitment to exercise, especially with my husband doing it too, will make me happy in the long run. We will probably also do lots of feasting and enjoying family time outdoors...when we aren't at Calvin's soccer games, that is. But that is a post for another time.

Revised Calvin Version

2010-03-24T20:19:00.002-04:00

To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills. (1 Corinthians 12:7-11, ESV)

Hobbes: I want to learn to read, Mommy.

Mommy: I could teach you if you want.

Calvin: I already know how to read. I could read when I was only three years old!

Mommy (trying to temper the pride coming from the backseat of the van): That's right, Calvin. Being that good at reading is a gift that God gave you. He definitely gave you the gift of language.

Calvin: Yeah, and he gave Hobbes the gift of making pouty lips.

(Hobbes sticks his bottom lip out as far as possible and bats his long eyelashes.)

End Scene.

A Cake Wreck-Keeping It Real

2010-03-23T15:47:00.004-04:00

So you don't think that this is normal. Here is a photo of Linus' first birthday cake.

Now that was a failure. With the insanity and travel around Christmas, I got into town late on the 23rd only to realize I needed a cake for the babe. I ran out and bought some mix and canned frosting. (All of my cakes are from mixes, by the way. I can't bake a cake to save my life.) I baked a lopsided two-layer cake with some hastily slapped-on frosting and M&M's for decoration. Then, in my sleep-deprived and over-busy state, I put it in the cake saver the wrong way. We basically had to dump it out upside down and turn it back over because the plate was wedged tight in the saver. Linus was so tired by the time we got around to celebrating his birthday that he didn't even want to look at the cake. Yep, that goes down the in loser mom category for sure. We didn't even get him a present. I'm just glad they don't remember their first birthdays. Maybe I should delete the photographic evidence?

So, thanks for the compliments, but without some internet images of R2 and this tutorial, I would have been lost.

Finding His Place

2010-03-22T15:11:00.003-04:00

(photo credit to my youngest sister-in-law)

And so it is complete, that transition from baby to boy. So much growing up happens between three and four. I saw it with your brother, so I knew it was coming with you, too. Still, I am in awe to see it again, watching as your face and body grow long and agile and strong with the play of boyhood, seeing you grow more daring and independent, watching you run into childhood and leave the baby years behind.

I am glad, though, that you have not lost you sweet spirit and love of beautiful things as you enter the kingdom of boys. You are such a gift to us, Hobbes, and we too often forget to notice. You are kind and helpful and loving, you like to spend time just being with the people you love. Grandpa still seems to be your favorite. He bought you a big bag of candy for your birthday, and the way you beamed at him, your whole face smiling, made all of us glad. The only person who beats out Grandpa is your baby brother. You love Linus so protectively, going in to his crib to play with him when he is crying in the morning, bringing him toys, and feeding him while he sits in his high chair. You are a good big brother.

You have such a great imagination and enjoy making beautiful things, painting and blowing bubbles and sculpting play-dough. Your daddy and I got you art lessons for your birthday, and I can't wait to see you at work in the studio. If there is a paint brush out, you beg to have it in your hand. You have such a busy little mind, working to create and build scenes from computer games you play with Daddy or making up your own creations. You are comfortable in your own skin and mind now and can play without Calvin, creating your own worlds and stories.
You are entering your boy years with such a wonderful spirit, quirky sense of humor, and lively imagination, and my joy at the boy you are becoming far outweighs my sadness at your growing. It doesn't hurt that you still love your people enough to come back to us after a good adventure.

Go forth, dear Hobbes, to slay dragons and build cities and paint masterpieces and run barefoot in the wild. I know you will always be home for dinner and maybe, if I am lucky, for a few more years of cuddling at bedtime.

The R2D2 Cake

2010-03-20T21:59:00.004-04:00

I'm no cake decorator, but this one turned out okay. I used a couple of ideas from other folks on the web. It was much easier than the space shuttles I made for Calvin's 4th and Hobbes' 3rd. Hobbes liked it, anyway...almost as much as the big bag of candy he got from Grandpa. We had a lovely birthday party for Hobbes and Auntie M today. The weather was warm and sunny and perfect for a picnic by the waterfall at the farm. Couldn't have been better.

7 Quick Takes-Just Barely In Time

2010-03-19T22:25:00.003-04:00

I wasn't going to write at all today, but I thought I could at least share what is keeping me from writing. For more Quick Takes, visit Jen.

-1-

Hobbes turned four today. Four! When did that happen? I am so proud of the quirky, smart, sensitive, funny boy he is becoming, but I do wish he had asked for something easier than an R2D2 cake for his party tomorrow (pictures to come...maybe).

-2-

I just finished Hannah Coulter a couple of days ago. Wendell Berry did it again. Maybe it is just because I am an Appalachian woman descended from many Appalachian women, but I have never read a book that told the story of being a woman so truly and beautifully. I am pretty sure every woman should read this book, and I know I will read it again and again and again at different transition times during my life. I may write more about it later, but in the meantime, go read it.

-3-

While we are on the theme of Appalachia, I have been thoroughly enjoying my latest issue of Now & Then magazine. For those with any interest whatsoever in Appalachia, I can't recommend this little publication enough. It is always full of lovely stories and poems and essays and photographs. It makes me itch to try to get published...maybe one day.

-4-

Linus is just about to walk, finally! He is taking several steps in a row and getting more and more brave about it by the day. I am ready for it, as he is getting heavy to carry around, even in my Ergo. And he is adding stubborness to his charm. He is trying so hard to talk and learn signs. But when we ask him to sign "please" for something when doesn't want to, a battle of wills takes place, complete with tantrums, often ending in a standoff. It is a sight to behold. He is perfecting the pouty lip already. He's going to be an interesting one, this kid.

-5-

It's Spring! The daffodils and redbuds are adding color everywhere. New grass is coming up in the perfect St. Patrick's Day color, and the trees are full of buds, some ready to burst into bloom any day now. We have spent most of our daylight hours outside this week, playing in our (finally dried out) back yard, taking walks, riding bikes, and being at the in-laws' farm.

-6-

The farm. Sometimes I think we live such a lovely life. It is hard, as all lives are, but we get to go out to 70 acres of woods and fields and streams and play with goat kids and puppies. If all goes well, we hope to have our house on the market and be living there before too long, focusing more intently on getting to Asia.

-7-

And, yes, that move is still looming over me. So much to do and absolutely no time in which to do it. How to people with children get anything accomplished other than laundry and food and keeping kids alive? Really, I want to know.

Stuck

2010-03-15T13:49:00.002-04:00

This is technically my 300th post, but let's just pretend it isn't. I should have something clever or moving or fun or interesting for my 300th post, but I am stuck. Any ideas? If I don't hear any, you may just get 300 random thoughts from my head, which is never a good idea.

Spring Cleaning

2010-03-10T13:24:00.007-05:00

I spent this past weekend in the mountains with my husband and his siblings. It was our second sibling retreat weekend at my uncle's cabin. Our first was in the Fall, when the mountains were bursting with color. But this one was still clearly in the Winter. When we left home on Wednesday, it was still cold and gray here. They have had a hard winter in the mountains, so there was still plenty of snow on the ground and some coming down on our drive. In fact, the boys and I woke up to snow at my mom's house on Thursday morning, and our view from the lake that weekend was of a bare mountain still covered with a dusting of snow.

We have had a hard winter here, too, in the TwoSquare house, and Lent has been a time of wrestling with the sin that mars relationships, the impatience and anger and selfishness and pride that keep us from really loving one another and fulfilling the mission God has called us to as a family. The rain and snow and cold and gray of the world outside has matched perfectly with our lives inside. We came to the mountains weary and still very much in the midst of struggle.

On Saturday, we ventured to the top of the Roan, tramping over the snow covered bald mountain, with drifts so deep that my husband and his brother found themselves buried up to their waists (and once to my brother-in-law's shoulders). The view was breathtaking. I had never been up there when there was so much snow and so much clear sky and warmth all at the same time. Winter was still very much in control, but there was a hint of something new. The deepest drifts were covering rhododendron, waiting patiently for the sun and warmth to come, pink buds hiding inside waiting to push their way out. When they bloom in June, there is no greater sight in the mountains.* But there is a lot of snow that needs to melt first.

When we got home late last night, life was no better here than we had left it. We walked in to a house needing much work and to piles of laundry and to lives upside down and searching for healing and purity and goodness. So when I walked out this morning and saw the crocuses blooming in our weedy, rocky, overgrown front flower bed, I was shocked by their beauty. So much beauty in the midst of so much mess. A promise.

Winter is not all bad. The cold and gray and mud and mess can be overwhelming. The snow can be cold and the wind piercing. But that blanket of white is a promise, too, a promise that God takes the mess and slowly purifies and makes clean. It is painful, being buried under all of that snow, but He is working. Resurrection day is coming and, with it, those beautiful pink blossoms that will make the top of the Roan blush in newness of life. And in the meantime, He gives us small promises. Little purple blossoms in the midst of the mess.

*I had trouble finding a photo that I could use freely, but if you look up "Roan Mountain Rhododendron" on Google images, you will see what I mean. (Oh, and the snowy photo of the Roan is courtesy of my youngest sister-in-law.)

Time Away

2010-03-05T08:33:00.001-05:00

No 7 Quick Takes this week. No posts this weekend. I'm in my mountains, with my family, getting ready for a retreat at the cabin with my amazing siblings-in-law. See ya 'round.

I think I am in love...

2010-02-28T21:08:00.005-05:00

...with Kate DiCamillo's books. I read "The Tale of Despereaux" last summer, trying in vain to keep one step ahead of Calvin's voracious reading. We just checked out "The Magician's Elephant" at our last trip to the library, and I read it in two sittings on Sunday. It was enchanting, and to say that I liked it less than "Despereaux" does not diminish its magic in anyway. They were both amazing, one just slightly less amazing than the other. These would be perfectly good read-aloud books, too. And her picture book, "Louise, the Adventures of a Chicken" is absolutely charming. Now I need to read to "Because of Winn Dixie" (which Calvin has already read, of course).

This post reminds me that I am nearing my 300th...mostly because I celebrated my 100th by listing 100 books I loved and giving one away. I'm not going to try to increase my list by 200, but I do need something fun for my 3ooth. Ideas?

The Contraption

2010-02-26T11:59:00.011-05:00

"Mommy, you're tiny!" Hobbes exclaims as he looks backwards through the binoculars.

The contraption (because I don't know what else to call it) belongs to Calvin, a green plastic toy his Nana bought for him on a museum trip. It has a compass and little lenses that fold out to work as binoculars or a magnifying glass. I'm sure it does many other things. I am certain Calvin can tell me what it is called and quote the entire instruction manual verbatim for me if I ask him. But Hobbes just likes to play with it, watching objects magically shrink and grow through the various lenses.

"Now you look, Mommy. See how tiny I am!"

But when I take the binoculars from my eyes, Hobbes stands so large before me and his brother even larger beside him. It has been five and a half years since I held my first baby, and now I hold my third son, on the verge of walking, his older brothers so very big to me.

I remember when Calvin was a baby, and everything seemed to focus on him. I watched every move or noise or face he made with such wonder and scrutiny. Every failing as a parent seemed so huge and every disobedience on his part devastating. I was more than once certain I had failed him. I too often made too much of something little. I was looking through that magnifying part of the contraption.

Five and a half years and two more babies and something is beginning to shift. There are still moments and days and weeks when I find myself looking through that magnifying glass, the microscopic problem suddenly looming large before my eyes. But sometimes I remember to step back, to open my eyes to a new perspective. Yes, those little moments and actions and words are important. They are also very small pieces of a very large world. Sometimes I remember to turn the contraption around and look through the wrong end of the binoculars, to see how tiny I really am.

When I realize my true place, I find myself folding up the contraption, the plans and need for control and fear that skew my perspective. I realize that this moment does not hold the weight of the future. When I stop looking down to analyze, I can look up and see something bigger. Then those moments don't become less significant. They become heavy with the grace and beauty and goodness of a God who is there in it all, placing all of the small pieces lovingly in their places. Because they are no longer all about me, they become moments of gratitude and peace and joy.

I am a small piece of a very big world, but it is a world guided by a grace and mercy that takes small pieces and turns them into more than the sum of their parts. A grace that redeems the failures and sorrows and struggles. A grace that does not reject the small moments but puts them in their right places. Because God cares about those parenting moments when I fail and when I rise to the task, but until I see them from His perspective, I can't see them rightly. I can't see me rightly.

Yes, I am tiny, Hobbes. We are all so tiny and yet loved by a God who is so very big. Now let's look at some bugs and flowers through that magnifying glass.

7 Quick Takes for Lent

2010-02-25T21:11:00.005-05:00

I can't believe it has been two weeks since I wrote here! There have been so many times I have wanted to sit and write, but the rhythm of our lives has changed with the observance of Lent. Though it is a good thing, it has left me little room for writing or being on the computer. Here's some of what we've been up to and what I've been thinking about. For more Quick Takes, visit Jen.

-1-

My husband fashioned the cross pictured in my header from two pieces of our Christmas tree. It was an idea I had seen in an Anglican Lenten Carnival post some time back, and I filed it away for this year. The first candle was lit on Ash Wednesday, and each Sunday, we light one more candle. It will be fully lit on Palm Sunday, and on Maundy Thursday we will light the purple candles for the last time. On Easter Sunday, we will replace the purple candles with white for our Easter celebration breakfast. We'll see if it sticks around for the full season of Easter or not. It's not too late to craft one of these from any wood (though the Christmas tree symbolism was nice), and if my husband and I can do it, you can. We are not crafty people!

-2-

I think I mentioned this before, but we are fasting from artificial light after sundown during Lent. More than our food fasts and our limited computer usage, this fast has changed the entire feel of our days. We are going to bed earlier and rising earlier and finding ourselves more disciplined to finish our tasks before the dark sets in. I am amazed at how much this is changing our lifestyle in a very good way. I think as we settle into it I will find more time for rest and reflection at the end of the day and may even start getting up early enough to really begin my day in prayer. Once Lent is over, we may continue this one evening a week, probably Saturdays, as a time of rest and preparation for the Sabbath day.

-3-

Other than the family fast from light and a fasting from computer games (except on Sundays), I don't feel like I am doing much to include the boys in Lent this year. We have had good times of talking about it during our prayer times in the evenings, and we are teaching the boys the prayer of confession from the Book of Common Prayer. Other than that, though, I don't feel like our house seems different this time of year like it does at Advent. I would love to know what my liturgically minded friends out there do to the home environment to set this time apart. Maybe fasting is enough.

-4-

During this season, I've really been appreciating the wisdom of the ancient church in establishing the church calendar as they did. Lent comes at the perfect time. After the anticipation and celebration of Christmas and the complete loss of routine and discipline that often occurs around holidays, I find myself longing for a return to order and simplicity and for a chance to fast. Our culture's tradition of New Year's resolutions is a good one, but I think it comes too early. If the spirit of the resolution really is to rid oneself of bad habits and begin developing new ones, then it is a secular version of Lent. And by the time February rolls around, I have had enough time to get over the exhaustion of the holidays and find myself longing to change things and make order and clean out, both literally and figuratively. I am not ready for that on January 1st. I can resolve to eat right or to exercise or to get more sleep all I want, but I rarely stick with it.

But I enter Lent with an intention to deny myself something enjoyable (sweets, entertainment, the need to accomplish something) in order to make room for something better (times of prayer, the discipline of training my body, a rested body and mind that can serve and love more patiently). When I meditate on the sufferings of Christ as I deny myself these immediate pleasures, these resolutions suddenly have a spiritual significance. They are no longer about just looking or feeling better, they allow me to enter into the spiritual reality of Christ's suffering and death. And, most importantly, I have the joy of Easter resurrection awaiting me at the end. (And, hopefully, after six weeks of spiritual discipline some of these changes will stick and strengthen my body and soul.)

-5-

I am looking for some good books for children during Lent. I have a book on the Stations of the Cross that I plan to pull out, and I am super excited about a Stations of the Cross experience that our church is putting on this Sunday. They are having art and sensory experiences and music, a variety of things at different stations. They are opening it up for families to come with young children at the beginning of the evening, and I think we will take our boys.

But this take was about books. Any suggestions for good books for the boys to focus them on the ideas of Lent? I will be pulling out our books about caterpillars turning to butterflies and seeds turning to plants and eggs hatching into birds and all of those lovely Springtime images that God put in nature to reflect the spiritual reality of New Creation. Anything else?

-6-

Because Lent is often a traditional time for Spring cleaning, I am trying to use this time to step up my purging and cleaning out and preparing our house for the market and our belongings for our move overseas. The task ahead seems so big, and I am find myself doubting so often that we will ever get to the mission field. But one thing this artificial light fast is teaching me is to focus on one task at a time and to work diligently. When I really do that, I find myself able to trust that the big picture will be taken care of as I am faithful to do all I can and not try to do more.

-7-

If you are fasting from meat for Lent, Jessica has some great recipes up. I linked to this two weeks ago, but now I have tried two of the recipes. I loved the curried lentils and rice, and the broccoli calzones were a hit with everyone in the family. I think her most recent post has a couple more links to vegetarian recipes, so check it out.

-8-

And a superfluous take for good measure. Kate at A Telling Place has been posting some beautiful and poignant poems and readings this Lent. I especially love this one...and this one...and this one (because I love Annie Dillard). Many are good images and thoughts in preparation for the darkness of Good Friday.

7 Quick Takes

2010-02-11T23:57:00.002-05:00

Things are going better around these parts lately. Calvin is settling down a bit, and I am remembering to enjoy him and not just survive him. That means I have time to think of other things and even enjoy some good British comedy. What are you up to? For other Quick Takes, go visit Jen.

-1-

Is anyone else as creeped out by Google Buzz as I am? I was so disturbed to log onto my e-mail yesterday morning to find that I was already signed up for Buzz and that people were "following" me, whatever that means. And there is no way to completely get rid of Buzz, so far as I can tell. Creepy! I am actually really angry at Google for assuming I wanted my privacy violated for the sake of their newest invention, and I am considering deleting my gmail account and switching to a host for this blog that is not connected to Google. Am I just paranoid, or is this whole Buzz thing scary?

-2-

On a not at all lighter note, I have been following the controversy over the Tim Tebow Super Bowl ad pretty closely. I found this article and this one interesting. I personally thought it was not that big of a deal when it came down to it, though it would have been interesting to see what CBS would have done if a similarly understated pro-choice ad had been submitted. Anyway, the whole controversy has sparked a very honest and respectful discussion over at Emily's blog. Go check it out, but only if you can contribute in the respectful tone that has been set.

-3-

Lent is almost upon us. We are contemplating a few fasts for this season. I am still trying to figure out if we can do a fast from meat, since Linus refuses to eat eggs or cheese or beans. If we do it, Jessica has some links to great recipes. We are also going to do an internet fast. I may still blog, and we will still use e-mail. But reading blogs, browsing the internet for information, and Facebook are off limits. Finally, we are planning to fast from artificial light after supper. We are hoping this will help us to use our time during the day well, develop discipline, and order our days rightly by practicing mini-sabbaths in the evenings. The boys are still contemplating what they want to give up, probably computer games every day except Sunday.

-4-

Bishop N.T. Wright suggests that if something is given up during Lent something should be taken up during Easter. I am still contemplating this. I think for the boys I'll make a cross out of construction paper. When one of us notices another person in the family doing something kind or merciful or unselfish or otherwise good, we will put a flower sticker on the cross. Hopefully it will be covered with flowers by the end of Easter.

-5-

I just finished reading The Supper of the Lamb and loved it! My favorite chapter is the one on wine, which Capon titles "Water in Excelsis" Isn't that great? I would put some good quotations here to draw you in, but there are too many. If you love food and are at all sacramental in your theology, you will like this book. It might not be the best reading for Lent, though, as the recipes will make you want to try them right away. Then again, he does have some good thoughts on fasting and feasting.

-6-

My husband and I have lately been taking advantage of our Netflix subscription to watch the videos they have available online. Our latest obsession has been Fawlty Towers. If you like British comedy and have never seen this show, you should. How can you not love John Cleese as a misanthropic hotel owner? Great stuff!

-7-

Finally, if you are late with organizing things like I am, you may not have planned your Valentine's celebrations yet. My husband and I aren't big Valentine's Day people, but I am planning to make cupcakes with the boys and do this cute craft (thanks to Jessica for the link). They would make good gifts. I suppose we should celebrate and learn about St. Valentine on Sunday, but we will probably be busy eating jiao zi and welcoming in the new year. Happy Year of the Tiger!

Hands

2010-02-10T23:23:00.004-05:00

When you were born, I did what all mothers do after the business and mess of labor are finished. I lay there exhausted while you slept on my chest, and as the sun crept through the windows of the hospital room, I held your hand in mine and counted. One, two, three, four, five. Then the other hand. One, two, three, four, five. They were perfect, those chubby little hands with short fingers. Everyone said they were manly hands, not delicate or dainty. I loved everything about them, about you. You were perfect.

We took you home and adored you as only first time parents can adore their children, observing every new development with wonder and amazement. We stared at your little fingers, gripping my finger as you nursed. We watched you on your blanket on the floor, reaching for the red squares of fabric. When you discovered your fingers, turning your hands around and around looking at each one, we were enthralled. I delighted the moment you learned to put those hands together to pull a toy to your mouth. I remember the exact moment it happened, outside a barbeque restaurant, pulling on the toy attached to your carseat.

Those hands have learned to do so much since then, to put pieces in a puzzle, to hold a fork and spoon, to color and paint and write your name. Those hands have stroked my cheek and clinched in anger. They've tickled your brother and pinched him, too. They've swung swords at imaginary dragons, thrown footballs to your daddy in the backyard, and climbed trees higher than your mommy finds safe. Those chubby baby fingers, clinched in a newborn fist, are becoming the strong hands of a boy learning to do the work of manhood. They are so much bigger now. I noticed it as I held one of them tonight.

You had finally given up after about your eighty-seventh question. How does static electricity work? Why is the answer to Gollum's riddle "time"? Will you scratch my back? Finally, you lay sleeping beside me, no longer small enough to curl up on my chest, your five and a half year old body stretched out in your top bunk. Your hand was gripping mine.

And I counted. One, two, three, four, five. And the other hand. One, two, three, four, five. We've made it this far with all ten digits intact, and those hands are learning, slowly and with many mistakes, to do the good and faithful work to which God will one day call you. I just pray I will be strong enough to hold onto them until we get there. In the meantime, I will stay beside you, looking for that last bit of baby pudginess which is hiding somewhere in those hands, those perfect, handsome, manly hands.

White As Snow

2010-02-01T21:59:00.002-05:00

These have been hard weeks around the TwoSquare household. I have been disorganized and sleepy, the boys have been cooped up from cold, rainy weather, and nothing has been quite right. All of that is an equation for disaster with boys, especially Calvin. The yelling and hitting and emotional meltdowns, the sibling fights that end in biting or shoving, the wound up five-year-old who can't fall asleep until sometime between 10:00 p.m. and midnight have all contributed to the misery.

There have been so many days that I ended on the couch wondering how we will ever see Calvin safely into adulthood, wondering what will become of him if he doesn't learn to reign in his violent, uncontrollable emotions. And then I start wondering how Hobbes will even find his own path or learn to negotiate battles without imitating his brother's anger. And I look at sleeping Linus and wonder what effect seeing all of these battles between brothers and parents and children will have on his sweet personality.

By Friday of this week, we were just entrenched, surrounded by carnage. Every little exchange had become a chance to do battle. Life was miserable, especially between me and Calvin.

But snow was in the forecast. When we packed up our snow clothes and headed out to the in-laws' farm, I had no idea how it would go. Five inches of snow, three days of sledding and snow balls, and many hours by the wood stove later, I am grateful. I am grateful that God knew we needed this time together and away from home, with nothing to do but play and relax, with a big house, lots of snow, and a huge collection of Legos. I am grateful that I heard my eldest laugh and watched him sled with such joyful abandon. I am reminded of this time last year, when I saw that same, genuine smile, one that appears so rarely on his alternately serious and joking or insincere face.

I am grateful that God takes our bloody, war-torn, messed-up lives and washes them white as snow. I am praying that I can remember that, and that we can step back into this week holding onto a bit of that joy and rest that fell on us with the snow.

Snow Day

2010-01-30T14:15:00.002-05:00

We have four or five inches of snow here, covered with some icy mix, and we are at the in-laws' property, alternating between walks and sledding in the snowy woods and warming up in front of the woodstove. No one anywhere in the state is going much of anywhere today. Why would we?

I know you people up North think it's funny how Southerners overreact about snow. I was even a bit grumpy about this snow and how it would shut everything down. But, really, if you didn't have the snow plows and salt to deal with the occasional big snow and if snowstorms were very often accompanied by ice storms, y'all might just be the same as most of us down here, running to the store to stock up before the big storm hits.

Mostly, I think Southerners just know how to slow down and enjoy life a bit more. This post about covers the Southern snow question, for those of you who just don't get it.

Odd Man Out

2010-01-26T21:01:00.004-05:00

Calvin and Hobbes were in the bath. Daddy Two Square was finishing up some work in his office. I was trying to wrestle the clean sheets onto the top bunk without falling off and breaking my neck. He was sitting in his high chair with only the dirty dinner dishes on the table as company. Rice and muffin pieces were scattered on his tray in hopes he would get some calories into himself. And he sat, the occasional squak coming out of his mouth to remind us all that he was there. If not for that, I suppose he could have been choking on that muffin. Eventually I did get him, after the beds were made, the boys were reprimanded, and the dishes were cleared and cleaned.

Poor Linus, this happens to you so often. You get put in the high chair or the crib or the pack 'n' play and just left there, the rest of us scurrying around you, in and out of the room, or not in the room at all, trying to get the basics taken care of so that we can function as a family. But is it functioning if you are alone in the dining room, contained but not included, acknowledged only when you finally get mad enough to demand it?

I need to know, those of you who have had or currently have three or more children at home, how did you do it? How did you manage life and pay enough attention to your children that they knew they were loved? I'm not talking having daily planned crafts and activities, reading oodles of books, and making sure each one got individual floor time with mommy. I'm talking about just acknowledging their existence long enough that they know you remember them.

It's not as bad as it sounds. Certainly Linus gets plenty of love and attention from his brothers, and from us, when we are take a moment to stop. But he does get left on his own a lot. Is that just part of being the third?

Seven Quick Takes-Movies and Discipline Edition

2010-01-22T15:53:00.003-05:00

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen.

And let me know what you think of my new, simple and free from Blogger, design. Anything you want to see here that you don't?

1. Thanks to Wolf Totem, I am totally fascinated by Mongolia now. My husband and I just watched Mongol and were thoroughly impressed. It is an incredibly violent movie, but I was still engrossed in the story. It is the first of a trilogy of movies based on the life of Ghengis Khan. There are a lot of liberties taken with the history, but after having read Wolf Totem, which gives a very detailed account of Mongolian culture and life on the grasslands, I loved seeing a movie that had Mongolia as its setting. I can't wait for the next two films!

2. These days have been really, really hard with Calvin. Does anyone have any experience with taking children to a psychiatrist? We may not need to, but he definitely has frequent episodes where he is completely out of control of his body and emotions, and nothing we try seems to help. Other times, he is incredibly funny, sweet, creative, and in control of himself. But when these episodes occur, he is like a different child. It is unbelievably exhausting and scary for all of us. Anyone who has experience with this sort of behavior, please feel free to offer advice.

3. Linus is suddenly becoming a much less pleasant baby. Oh, that strong will. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a compliant child. I know that no children are totally compliant, but some are less intense than others. Despite his normally pleasant demeanor, Linus is showing us that we may be three for three in the strong personalities department. Lord, have mercy.

4. Despite this, things are actually going okay around here. I am trying to intentionally slow down and enjoy the good moments with my kids, even if it is just a minute where Linus is laughing at Calvin being goofy. Even if that minute is surrounded by two forty-five minute battles with Calvin and with Hobbes refusing to take rest time. I am trying to not make life always be a battle between me and these boys, trying to convince all of us that we are on the same team.

5. Having my husband working at home during this season is incredible! He can handle Calvin when he is too out of control and strong for me to contain. And he can step in when I need a break or have a crying baby and pouting Hobbes and angry Calvin. God always knows what he is doing when he moves us from one job to another.

6. It's almost Chinese New Year! What are you doing to celebrate? We are sending out our first prayer letter and doing some more purging and cleaning and generally preparation for one day leaving the country. One day before the next New Year comes around, we hope.

7. Tonight, I am escaping from this craziness and watching Julie and Julia. I love Meryl Streep, and I have loved Amy Adams since I saw her in Junebug (which is her best movie, by the way, and one you should definitely see). I may or may not let you know what I think of it.

Art Giveaway-Deadline Today!

2010-01-21T15:19:00.001-05:00

My wonderful artist cousin, Beth Stone, is doing another giveaway. This time it is for three greeting cards featuring her lovely artwork. There are a lot of ways to enter, so go check it out. Today is the last day!

I Was Up Way Too Late...

2010-01-21T00:58:00.001-05:00

...but this place has been needing a new look for a long time. If you miss the plate of fried chicken and glass of sweet tea, you can always come and visit me for some that you can actually taste. That picture is totally not what it is like here right now. It's been warm and sunny for a few days. Anyway, I'll see ya around.

Other Things

2010-01-13T22:13:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I'm still alive...just learning that some things need to take a backseat for awhile so that I can enjoy life here and not just survive it.

So I am busy reading this and this and this...all well worth your time. And I am purging and cleaning and organizing and preparing. Oh, and of course checking ESPN every few hours to find out the latest news about my team. Also spending a lot of time praying for this and for my cousin who landed in Haiti just in time to see the airport collapse and is at an orphanage right now. Mostly, I am trying to enjoy my boys some more and invest in them while they are young enough to let me.

I will check in every once in awhile and hope to use this space to contemplate Lent a bit. I'm still reading your blogs, even if not commenting. Wishing you a lovely winter!

An Ordinary, Simple Life: An Epiphany Reflection

2010-01-06T15:42:00.001-05:00

This is reposted from a couple of years ago. A blessed Epiphany to those of you who celebrate it.

They were two insignificant people from a backwoods, no-count town. If the play were being cast, their roles would not be the ones any big name actor would choose. The king of the nation, the religious leaders who held influence over the people, even the emperor's governor who lived in the capital, any of these would be better than a carpenter or a young woman of unimportant birth.

And theirs were not roles they would have chosen either. He was a man preparing to marry, building a house and accumulating possessions in order to take a young wife and make his place in society. She was a young girl, looking forward to the time she would become a wife, the maker of a home, a woman with a role in her community. They were ordinary, simple people preparing for an ordinary, simple life. Neither one of them asked to see angels, to hear an upsetting message from God, to be caught up in a story larger than their own.

Maybe she was working on some embroidery for her new house or sewing part of the dress for her marriage ceremony. Maybe she was daydreaming about finally getting out of her parents' house or of becoming a wife and a mother. Perhaps she was praying in preparation for that day. Then a stranger appeared and told her that all of these dreams were ruined. She was already a mother, a pregnancy forced upon her, her reputation ruined, her betrothed ashamed to take her as his wife.

Maybe he was dreaming of the home he would build and the bed he would lovingly craft for his new wife. Maybe he was dreaming about his new status at the city gate, his place secured by his role as "man of the house." Maybe he had drifted off in prayer for his future bride or his future firstborn, a son of course. Then he had a dream not of his own making. His betrothed would have a son as her firstborn, but it would not be his. In fact, she was already pregnant. He had a choice. Any smart man would leave her, denounce her for her unfaithfulness, and start again with a new woman, a more virtuous one.

That could have been the story. An unwed woman and illegitimate child made outcast, no man to protect them. A man shamed by his unfaithful betrothed, having to seek a new wife. But it was not. She accepted the message of the angel willingly and with a glad heart, though she must have known the rumors that would surround her and her child for the rest of her life. And even more amazingly, he chose to accept her anyway, to take on her shame. He practically confessed that this child was his and that, even if it was not, he was crazy enough to take this woman as his wife anyway.

No one would want to associate with them. What could they do? No one would believe God had spoken to them; they were too insignificant. God spoke to religious leaders or crazy prophets, not to carpenters and young women. Maybe a few close friends believed them. At least one relative did. But they would spend their lives surrounded by rumors, ostracized because of their questionable past. Their son would endure sneers. "Is that the carpenter's son?"

And yet they chose it. This man and this young woman, two insignificant people from a backwoods, no-count town. "Can anything good come from Nazareth?" Theirs were not the roles the big-name actors would choose. They were not kings or queens, religious authorities, or ruling governors. They were a carpenter and a girl, on the verge of an ordinary, simple life, yet there they sat, with kings bowing before them and the King on their knees.

For the full story, read here and here.

Nothing to See Here...

2010-01-03T21:16:00.002-05:00

The past month has been so unbelievably disorganized, exhausting, trying (in matters of child discipline), and unstructured. I am resolving to get disciplined, work on the projects I have let go, and spend a lot of time praying for God to help us prioritize, find perspective, and know His presence in the midst of the huge amount of work that needs to be done over the next several months.

As step one, I am spending this week working on some purging and sorting of toys, clothes, and books. Since I will likely not be around much, here's some stuff that has brought me some joy.

Avatar
I saw it this past week and really enjoyed it. Here is a good review of it from a Christian perspective, but it has spoilers. See the movie first, then read the review.

Epiphany
Wednesday is Epiphany, the traditional day for celebrating the Wise Men coming to worship Jesus. Though our Advent and Christmas celebrations were almost nearly a failure, I am hoping to have a bit of fun Wednesday. I'll be making this cake for breakfast or for dessert after supper, and the boys will probably make crowns and read the Christmas story one last time.

New Year's Resolutions
I have not really made many yet this year, but this post got me thinking. I think instead of trying to change a bunch of things at once, I am going to try to work on one thing a week, keeping at it until I am ready to move onto the next. First on the list is getting enough sleep, which I am hoping will make all of the others (yelling less at my children, moving more slowly and intentionally through my day, praying more, exercising, etc...) easier to accomplish.

Hope
This post by Emily, who is very different from me in almost all matters of world view and political opinion, gives me hope that our country is not so divided that it can't be healed. In fact, I love her blog for many reasons, but I love it most of all because folks with very different opinions tend to have civilized conversations there.

Good Listening
If you haven't been listening to the History of Rome podcast, then you need to. It is totally entertaining and educational, and all Americans should be required to study this stuff to understand our own history better and to learn from the mistakes of the past. Really, I don't even love history that much, and I love it.

I'll see you sometime later, after I dig my way out of this pile of stuff!

Just Stopping In

2010-01-01T22:27:00.003-05:00

Happy 2010, everyone! This is going to be a crazy year for us. There is so much to do...raising support, getting a house ready to sell and getting it sold, purging and sorting and packing up seven years worth of married life possessions for a move around the world, and somewhere in there we have to create some structure and sanity in our family, which is sorely lacking those things right now.

I don't know how much I will be writing, but I will be around some. And you can bet I'll start a blog for our time in Asia! In the meantime, we would love your prayers for figuring out how to do all of this and for it to happen in God's time and in the midst of our being faithful to our daily duties. And if you are interested in learning more about what we'll be doing, feel free to e-mail me (twosquaremeals[at]gmail[dot]com).

Now I am off to recover from the most insanely exhausting, busy, disordered Christmas I've had in a long time. (Oh, and to enjoy the last four days of Christmas!)

One Year Ago

2009-12-25T16:14:00.003-05:00

One year ago today you made your appearance, and Christmas will never be the same again. Whenever I contemplate the birth of our Savior and imagine Mary holding the tiny King of the Universe in her arms, I will also remember the moment I first held you, wet and red and slippery from the birthing tub. We had no idea then what sort of baby you were, but perhaps the fact that you chose Christ's Mass to enter our lives revealed some of your personality. On the most joyful and quietly beautiful day of the church calendar, you came home to us.

Linus, we could not be more in love with you and your sweet, joyful, and unassuming approach to life. We don't stop often enough to enjoy you. You are so quietly content most of the time, though thrilled when we stop to play with you or take your picture or enjoy your sweet babble. You seem to be saying, "Excuse me, wonderful people around me, I know that you are busy doing something important, but if you have time, I would love to throw this ball to you. I'm equally happy to keep playing here near you, though. This is nice, isn't it?"

You have really started to become a little person in the past few weeks, and it is a gift to see you discover your own abilities. You are learning to communicate with a combination of sign language and your own adorable gestures and noises. You don't really talk yet, and you don't seem to be in much of a hurry to do that or to walk. And you still don't have teeth. You are delighted to let these developments happen as they will, enjoying each moment and not being too anxious to grow up. You may think it is amazing to see this in a baby, but your brother Calvin was the complete opposite of this, always striving, from birth, to do more and to be more than he was ready to do or to be. You, on the other hand, are content just to take life as it comes.

You were born with eyes of wonder at the world, on a day of great wonder for the whole world. May you never lose that, and may it be a gift to our family, to all of us who often take life too seriously and look at the world through anxious eyes.

Words truly cannot express the immense joy you bring to our lives, our beautiful Christmas baby. We love you!

Thirty-Two

2009-12-23T10:08:00.003-05:00

And in the midst of celebrating while getting ready to celebrate the birth of sweet Linus and, of course, the birth of the One whose life has given meaning to those thirty-two years. Planning to have a lot of good family time between now and Epiphany. I may be around, but most likely, I will be back here sometime in 2010. Happy celebrating to all of you who are!

The Coming of the Light (Reposted)

2009-12-12T10:39:00.002-05:00

I am reposting this post from Advent 2007 for some dear friends who are mourning a sad anniversary today. They are not the same friends whom I mention in this post. Those friends had their own sad news, but the news I heard that day did turn out well. Still, in the midst of the very real goodness of life, there is so much to remind us that this world is broken and that we long for the King to come and make it right. Come quickly.

I just talked to a dear friend today who has some sobering news. I want so badly for it to turn out well and end in joy, not sorrow. There seems to be so much sorrow and brokenness in so many places. The older I get, the more I realize that this world is broken. And the more brokenness I see, the more I must learn to rest in the quiet hope of Advent. While I want all of the problems fixed now, I must sit with the voice that says "Just wait. One day all will be made right. Just wait. One day all the sick will be healed, the dead will rise, the tears will be wiped away. Just wait. One day, the darkness will flee in the Presence of the Light. He will come..."

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:3-4, ESV)

Sometimes in my busy, self-focused life I lose sight of this amazing truth..the dwelling place of God is with man. He came to live among us. He will come back and set things right. God with us. Emmanuel. And so, for my friend, and for all of you, I offer the words of this very ancient Advent hymn. It's language may be a bit difficult to take, but it offers such a hopeful picture of a powerful God who willingly comes to live with us, to feed us, and, eventually, to vanquish the darkness. Let us keep hoping.

Let all mortal flesh keep silence,
And with fear and trembling stand;
Ponder nothing earthly minded,
For with blessing in His hand,
Christ our God to earth descendeth,
Our full homage to demand.

King of kings, yet born of Mary,
As of old on earth He stood,
Lord of lords, in human vesture,
In the body and the blood;
He will give to all the faithful
His own self for heavenly food.

Rank on rank the host of heaven
Spreads its vanguard on the way,
As the Light of light descendeth
From the realms of endless day,
That the powers of hell may vanish
As the darkness clears away.

At His feet the six wingèd seraph,
Cherubim with sleepless eye,
Veil their faces to the presence,
As with ceaseless voice they cry:
Alleluia, Alleluia
Alleluia, Lord Most High!

7 Quick Takes

2009-12-11T09:56:00.004-05:00

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen.

Just in case you were wondering why I haven't been around this space...

-1-

We haven't taken off and moved to Asia yet. I am just choosing other things and/or trying to keep my sanity and make it a somewhat meaningful Advent. So far, that isn't going so well. We are having major behavior issues, and chaos reigns. Currently, our Advent wreath is hidden among the piles of books and mail and a laptop on our coffee table, and the Jesse tree banner hangs crookedly beside our TV while the ornaments are somewhere hidden under the mess of our living room.

-2-

Do you ever have times where nothing about any of your relationships is easy? In addition to the above mentioned discipline problems with the boys, I can't think of a single close relationship that is easy right now. Even my really close friends have troubles of their own that make time together for us less than refreshing because neither has much peace to offer. My marriage is not in a bad place but we are definitely having growing pains. And extended family problems always like to surface at Christmas. There have been times when I have been showered with sweet, peaceful, good times of refreshing in so many relationships, but this is not one of those times.

-3-

Even baby Linus is getting in on the action. He is still sweet as ever, but he is a sweet almost one-year-old, which means he is into everything. I can no longer sit and watch him play contentedly while I read. Now he is climbing onto the coffee table and rocking chair and generally trying to give himself a concussion. So even my alone times with him are draining.

-4-

Needless to say, Christmas preparations are not coming along so smoothly. I have a few gifts purchased, but I am far from ready. I was all set to write a post about our handmade gifts for the boys, but now I am just hoping to get them done. I am excited about them. We are hoping to make a bow and arrows for Calvin. (Bad idea, I know.) And my mother-in-law is going to help me paint a mat for driving cars on for Hobbes. It will have all of the places we go (our house, the in-laws', church, school, Nana's, Neyland Stadium...you know, important places in his life) painted on it and roads for his cars to drive on. I had one of these as a kid that someone made for me and my brother, and it is one of the few toys I really remember playing with and loving.

-5-

I didn't mean for this to be a complaining 7 Quick Takes. Really, life is not all bad. Advent is still my favorite time of year. We had our second annual St. Nicholas Day party this year, with 15 kids and 8 moms in our tiny house decorating cookies, learning about the saint, and playing the "toss the gold (chocolate) coin in the shoe" game. It was a lot of fun. And watching the boys, Hobbes especially, as they take in the wonder of Christmas trees and lights all around is still a lot of fun.

-6-

And my boys still make me laugh. A lot. Calvin is really into knights these days and has been reading a lot of King Arthur books. Hobbes is along for the ride, as usual. The other day, Hobbes said to me, "Maybe his name use to be Alot, and then he got a lance and became Lancelot."

-7-

And Calvin, oh Calvin. I swear he will be a lawyer one day. Yesterday, he came up to me with a clever smile on his face and said, "Mommy, if you need to get things done around the house, and I bet you do, you could just put me on the Wii." He thought he was being so clever. I love these boys, even on the worst of days.

Easy Advent Wreath Tutorial

2009-12-01T10:35:00.004-05:00

Isn't this lovely? I'm going to tell you how to make it. But first, don't forget the Advent Carnival over at Kerry's blog. I've been so busy catching up from all of the Thanksgiving travel that I haven't had time to sit down and read the entries yet, but I plan to do it today.

Now, on to the wreath. I know many of you already have your Advent wreaths out and are all organized for the season. On the off chance that there are some of you out there who (like me) are still pulling out the Advent candles and Jesse tree ornaments and Christmas books, here's an easy way to make a lovely wreath. Thank you, wonderful women at my church, who organized this wreath making at our Sunday's Advent potluck. Otherwise, we still wouldn't have a wreath.

All you need for this is an aluminum pie plate, a cube of florist's oasis (that green foamy stuff that holds water), some greenery clipped from your yard, Christmas tree, neighbor's garden, or the roadside, clippers or scissors to trim the greens, and candles.

I am TERRIBLE at arranging flowers, and I can do this. I know you can, too.

Soak the oasis to get it good and wet and set it in the pie plate. You want it square, not round, for holding all of the candles. To make the wreath look round, just use shorter pieces of greenery on the corners.

Starting at the bottom, insert greenery in the wreath. It's nice to use bigger stuff on the bottom and alternate more feathery and smooth greenery, but any way you do it, it will look nice.

Insert the candles at the top. (Caution, you only have one shot at this, as once they are inserted you can't pull them out and get them to stay again. The hole will be too big.)

Use smaller greenery to cover the oasis on the top around the candles.

Don't make anything too tall or the candles will burn it once they get low, and the greenery, likely to be dried out by then, will burst into flames causing a major Christmas catastrophe...or something like that.

Keep water in the bottom of the pie plate to keep the wreath fresh. If greenery dries out, you can always clip some more and replace it.

Isn't that easy? And pretty?

God Made Flesh

2009-11-27T21:26:00.007-05:00

Advent and Christmas are a time mixed with great joy and sadness for so many. For us, Advent is a time of longing for the second coming of Jesus, of being reunited with loved ones who are with the saints. This year, we long for my Grandma to be well enough to enjoy this (most likely her last) Christmas with us. Her hand is pictured below, with sweet Linus' fingers. So much sadness and so much joy in those moments together, the dying and the just beginning to live.

Newborn and old, living and dying, all come together in Jesus, swallowed up in His coming glory, into a life that never dies. May you enjoy this time of preparing for the Christ child and for His return in glory.

It was a simple question. “Hobbes, what are we waiting for during Advent?”

“For the baby to come. Our baby. Baby Jesus.”

I suppose it was inevitable, with my due date being only a week after Christmas, but we all still thought it was funny that he kept confusing our baby with the baby Jesus. They were such separate things, after all. Our baby was just a simple human, beautiful but flawed. But Jesus? He was Emmanuel, God with us! He was no simple human. He came as the Messiah. He was God made flesh.

God in a womb, with a tiny heart beating, tiny fingers and toes forming, tiny lungs growing. God joyfully kicking a rib cage and weighing down a tired, pregnant woman on the rough roads to Bethlehem. God making His way into the world through the painful work of labor. God born into the meager shelter of a cave with only animals to watch.

Did you ever really stop to think what that means? Our nativity scenes and carols seem so benign, too pristine and peaceful to convey what really must have happened that night. It was a beautiful and sacred moment, no doubt. But it was also a messy, difficult, and terrifying one. Any woman who has been through labor knows that all is not calm when a baby makes his entrance into the world.

I will admit that I wasn’t meditating much on the nativity of Jesus or on what Mary must have felt as I navigated my way through that long Christmas Day of labor. For many of the hours, and certainly in that last painful, violent hour, I just wanted the pain to end. I had a clean room and caring midwives and nurses. I was in a familiar place with family nearby. I had all of the advantages of modern medicine, but it was still an exhausting and messy affair.

But when I held my third son in my arms, so tiny and beautiful and red from the reality of labor, I understood what it meant to be “made flesh.” Maybe Hobbes wasn’t so wrong after all. Jesus and our baby were so very different and so very much alike.

In Christ, God stepped into our world, in all of its messiness and pain and exhaustion and fear. He became flesh, Emmanuel, God with us. The Creator entered His creation to bring to birth that for which creation, and we, are groaning. And just as I longed for that painful day to end and my baby to come, so we all long for His coming, for the end of suffering and the glory of His Kingdom.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies." ( Romans 8:18-23, ESV)

For more entries in the Advent Carnival, go on over to Kerry's blog. If you want to know more about how our family celebrates Advent, read here or here or here.

Missing Girl

2009-11-19T20:29:00.003-05:00

Once upon a time there was a mountain girl who dreamed big dreams. She dreamed of traveling the world, learning three languages, blazing a pioneer trail to some remote village to share the gospel and help those in need, living an independent life, and then returning home to get a PhD in comparative literature, settle down, and have a family. She had passion...for God, for adventure, for learning, for life. She was good at what she did, got scholarships and awards and recognition. She could have made a career of teaching literature and writing scholarly papers. And if she had chosen not to, it would have been because she was called to something even more exciting. Then she graduated college, got married, finished grad school, had a few kids, and lost herself.

What? This is your story, too?

I am feeling a bit lost right now under the pressure of caring for three kids, taking care of the household and finances, and trying to prepare for an overseas move. All of those adventures I longed for and thought I was called to are coming to fruition is some ways, but the girl that I was when I dreamed those dreams is buried...if not lost completely. Now I am going as a wife, a mother, a cook, a maid. I fear that my life overseas will look exactly like my life here. That my ministry will still be limited only to my family. I know my family is my primary work right now, but I long for there to be something more, too.

Invisible. That's how I feel. Anyone else out there ever felt this way? All of the ways I used to define myself are no longer valid. And I have not done a graceful job of accepting my current roles. I am finding myself bitter and tired and angry much more than I would like, and I am not sure how to change things.

I tried the good "Christian" way (at least in some Christian circles) of accepting my vocation as a mother and doing that job well. And it has been very good for me to think through how I run the household and how to order our family life. I am not saying that staying at home and being really good at being a mom is a bad thing. It just isn't working well for me, and the culture around me and my own inner voice tell me that it is because of some character weakness. There are plenty of weaknesses that I am aware of (and many more I am not), and I do want to work on those and become a better woman and mother.

But something tells me that no matter how much God matures and changes me and fits me for motherhood, I will always desire something more. That mountain girl who longed to do something with the brains and passion God gave her is still in here somewhere. Certainly, there are plenty of outlets for using my skills and passions in homemaking and parenting, but my heart says that I am not ever going to be satisfied staying at home. God has called me to that, but He has also called me to other things, too.

I think I am needing some wisdom from you other women out there. Is it okay to long for something more than what I have? Do I need to just learn to be content in the roles I have to play? Is it possible to learn to be content and to still yearn to do more? Will I ever find that girl again? I miss her.

Advent Carnival Coming Up!

2009-11-19T15:54:00.002-05:00

The Carnival of Anglican Advent Traditions is coming up. If you want to participate, write a post about Advent, what it means to you, how you or your family observes it, etc. Details are over at Kerry's blog. Posts due November 27.

I highly recommend you participate or at least read the posts. I have met some incredibly insightful and inspiring bloggers through the Advent Carnival, not to mention the amazing ideas I've collected for celebrating with my family.

Go on and write! Hopefully I'll see you there!

7 Quick Takes-I Miss This Blog!

2009-11-12T22:40:00.002-05:00

I miss writing and processing and using this space to help me think more clearly! But life is just so very busy now that Linus is on the move. I'm grateful more than ever these days for Quick Takes on Fridays. Otherwise, I might never get a post up. Head on over to Jen's blog for more Quick Takes.

We have recently discovered Howard Pyle's books here in the TwoSquare household. Have you read him? If you have boys in your home, you really must. (Recommendations for other good boy books are appreciated!) We are reading Men of Iron aloud right now, and Calvin loves it. He walks around all day speaking in this lovely antiquated language. "Nay, mother, I will not do that, quoth he." It's hilarious, except that he thinks it's clever to say "no" to us this way.

We discovered Pyle because we were looking for good versions of the King Arthur legend for Calvin. It seems the space obsession is fading, and we are into all things King Arthur around here. I am excited about the possibilities here. A medieval themed dinner, a knight's quest party for some boys, and making swords with Daddy are all possibilities. This is what my husband has been waiting for since Calvin was born. Considering he owns swords and chain mail, is it so surprising?

It has been raining for three days here, and today is likely to be another one. Over four inches of cold, miserable rain, three days stuck in our tiny house, and a baby brother who needs some bit of quiet to nap made for some restless boys. So yesterday we pulled out the couch bed, popped some popcorn and watched movies for the afternoon. It was SO good for me to just enjoy being with my boys and stop worrying about all that needs to be done around here. SO GOOD. I need more of that.

You may be noticing that these snippets of family life don't include a lot of real homeschooling. I think I am already a homeschool failure. I certainly don't think we are doing what works for our family. I scrapped any plans I had and am starting to pay attention to how we work as a family and how my boys learn best. Unschooling is seeming more and more appealing, combined with some more structured classical learning when they get older. Is that even possible?

One schooling thing that is working is Chinese Preschool. For so long I wondered what we were paying the tuition for, but in the past few weeks, both Calvin and Hobbes have discovered the fun of showing off their Chinese for us. I often hear them singing Chinese songs and using Chinese words around one another, and they are finally willing to speak it for us. I am amazed how kids learn a second language so intuitively. I studied this, so I should know it. But seeing it in real life is so fascinating!

Advent is in less than three weeks. Are you ready? I ordered a few new Christmas books for the kids, and I found a couple of Advent activity books that I may try to use. We are planning to do our usual Jesse Tree and other Advent traditions. Check out this post and this one and this one if you are interested in knowing what we do around here. And this post tells what we do about Santa. Let me know what you're doing, too!

So...not that anyone but me cares....but things aren't looking so good for Tennessee's football players. I have long thought the quality of the players reflected the caliber of the coach, his ability to inspire discipline and hard work and his modeling of a life of integrity. It will be interesting to see if this current disaster is a reflection of the way things are going to be at UT under our new coach. I sure hope not. I'd hate to be ashamed to wear my orange.

A Pilgrimage and Some Calvinisms

2009-11-09T21:46:00.003-05:00

So, I have a good excuse for not being around this weekend. Saturday night, after nine years of talking about it, I finally took my husband to watch my team at the 8th Wonder of the World. All three boys came with us, and though it was exhausting, it was totally worth it. The weather was perfect, our team won, and the boys loved it. Even Linus was too excited to sleep.

Watching Calvin was even more fun than watching the game. He is definitely excited about football right now, and when we suggested leaving with six minutes left to go and a score of 56-28, he exclaimed, "But we can't go! A LOT can happen in six minutes!" (Fortunately for the Vols, a lot didn't happen.)

...

I don't have time to write much other than that, what with needing to catch up on my sleep. (Twelve hours of driving in three days, a weekend away from home, and boys off any semblance of a sleeping schedule have done me in for the time being.) So I leave you with some Calvinisms.

Angry at something that didn't go his way: "I'm not just a little bit sad! This is a much bigger sad. I am MEGA SAD!"

When I asked him if he would be warm enough in his t-shirt outside this evening: "I won't get COLD; it's a Star Wars shirt!"

Enjoying the thrills of cable television at my mom's (ESPN, anyway) and watching some NBA clips (which we have obviously never watched before): "Look, Mommy, those hoops are really short!" "No, Calvin, those men are just really tall."

After listening to me rant about the terrible traffic on our drive over Friday: "Mommy, I just prayed for God to get you out of this terrible traffic."

...

I have so many things on my mind that I would love to write about now, but they will have to wait. Until then, leave a comment, even if you usually don't, and let me know what's going on in your corner of the blogosphere. Peace.

I Won't Stop Talking Until Big Coal Stops Blasting

2009-11-05T10:07:00.003-05:00

Did you call the President?

If not, you can still send an e-mail. iLoveMountains.org is asking organizations across the nation to join forces today to stop the blasting of Coal River Mountain, a potential source of alternative wind energy and a symbol of the fight between big coal companies and those who think the mountains and Appalachian people are worth saving.

It only takes a minute. Isn't a that worth saving a mountain and her people, stopping one of the worst ecological disasters going on today, and caring for the creation that has been put under our stewardship?

Please, please, please, go fill out the form. Today.

Wonderful Art Giveaway

2009-11-03T22:08:00.002-05:00

Looking for a unique gift for Christmas? My cousin, Beth Stone, is a talented artist. She has prints, notecards, and originals for sale on her site. She is also hosting a Thanksgiving giveaway on her blog. Head on over and see how to enter the giveaway. I especially love her newest murals based on hymns, and I'm thinking of ordering some prints for Christmas presents.

Go on. Support an artist. I dare you.

7 Quick Takes-What's Inspiring Me

2009-10-29T22:30:00.003-04:00

I somehow managed to waste the first half of my week and am making up for it by spending the second half on major purging and reorganizing projects, always needing to be done in preparation for moving next year. In lieu of any good words from me, check out these posts.

And, as always, visit Jen's blog for some more Quick Takes.

This post is from a blog I just discovered. I was saying "amen" through the whole post. Introverts out there, you know what she is talking about.

This post offers some good thoughts about the obsession with sex in our culture and how the community of the church can answer to that deeper longing. I always love Anthony Esolen's writing.

3&4

This post by Rae made me cry. I so often wonder what happened to the person and child I once was. She is buried somewhere under laundry and bills and constant, mundane tasks. I miss her. Rae writes, But not all of a woman is made to work. The soul of a woman contains so much more- there is a girl-child inside, ready to play! And her list for finding that spirit of play in the midst of work is fantastic. I may need to write one of my own.

This post on taking a day of rest for the whole family goes so well with those last two. Without a Sabbath rest each week, I am certain I would have given up on this motherhood/homemaker thing a long time ago.

Gratitude. I am hearing God speak this word to me from so many directions lately. I know that joy comes from practicing gratitude and not from a change in life circumstances, but I don't really practice it. This post...and this one...and this one...all came to me this week. It was the same time I was studying Jesus' parables on money and true kingdom treasures. I am thinking it is time to start a gratitude list of my own.

On a completely different topic, but still an inspiration, check out my dear friend, former commune housemate, amazing cook, creative mama extraordinaire's new food blog. Join in the feast! She is cooking all kinds of yummy recipes from her CSA box. I got to live with this woman and eat her cooking weekly. Aren't you jealous?

I'm calling the President tomorrow. What are you doing?

2009-10-27T22:05:00.005-04:00

Update. I did it! Calling the White House was pretty empowering. Isn't it amazing we have a country where we can do that?

I'm not usually very forceful or strongly opinionated on this blog, but some things just make me mad, and I have to speak up.

If you have a few minutes...and we all do. Help me save a mountain.

Blasting has begun on Coal River Mountain in West Virginia and must be stopped NOW! This mountain could be used to harvest wind energy forever, providing safe jobs and a diversified economy to local residents, if its top isn't blown off and dumped into toxic waste ponds that are upstream from whole communities.

This is an atrocity! It not only destroys the landscape forever; it threatens the drinking water, homes, and lives of those who live downstream. This is not something we can stand by and let happen. People in these mountain communities do not have the money or power to fight big coal unless the rest of America steps in to help them. If Coal River is destroyed, it can never be used for alternative wind power because its majestic mountaintop will be gone.

A mountaintop gone. A landscape changed forever. People drinking poisoned water. Homes endangered by floods. Doesn't anyone care?

Will you help me? Call President Obama and ask him to persuade Governor Manchin of West Virginia to stop the blasting at Coal River Mountain.

202-456-1414.

Do it! Leave me a comment to let me know you did. Spread the word on your blogs. Come on blogosphere!

In Two Months...

2009-10-24T20:25:00.004-04:00

...we will celebrate your birth. How did I miss so much of this year, sweet Linus? It seems that Calvin's first year was in slow motion. I had time to watch him while he slept, to play games with him, to record every moment, every tiny new development. Even Hobbes' first year had plenty of slow moments. We were still so very much in the baby phase of life.

But you, third child with the much older brothers, you just come along for the ride. You sleep in your car seat where I can't see you. On the rare days we are at home for your naps, I am just thankful that I can put you down and let you soothe yourself to sleep. I rarely stop to watch your beautiful baby rest.

Or to play with you. You have to remind me to do that. Lately, you have started initiating peek-a-boo with us, covering your face with your quilt in the crib and then pulling it down and squealing with delight when we say, "Where is Linus? Peek-a-boo!" And you love to play ball, sitting in the floor throwing or handing the ball to me for me to throw back.

Somewhere in there you have learned to crawl and pull up and feed yourself. You are trying so hard to balance on your own, and I am sure you will be walking next time I remember to turn around and look at you. And you are working on all sorts of language in your head. I can tell. I hear the garbled sounds coming out, attempts to say your brothers' names or the names of objects. I swear you have said "all done" and "more" and "bath" on more than one occasion. You definitely say "DaDa" a lot. You love your daddy.

All of these things have happened without my really noticing, really enjoying the moments. I don't completely ignore you. No one could, with your engaging smile, contagious joy, and sweet spirit. But I do wish I had slowed down more often this past ten months to really just enjoy being your mama.

I will try to do that more sweet one, as we prepare and wait for the coming of the King and for the celebration of your birth. That's one day I do remember. Every detail of it.

Calvinisms

2009-10-23T22:36:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile...

Stubborn Prayers
Calvin and I had a rough night tonight, and he was angry when he went to bed. I asked if he would like to pray and ask God to help him get rid of the anger. He prayed, "Dear God, please help the anger to stay inside of me."

Hobbes piped in, "Dear God, please help the anger to go out of Calvin."

Calvin countered, "Dear God, please don't listen to Hobbes. Make the anger stay inside of me. I want to be angry forever, so just don't listen to Hobbes."

Thankfully, he decided that wasn't a good option, and he went to sleep having made up with me. I guess God listened to Hobbes.

Enjoying Life, Calvin Style
We were hiking at a local river the other day, and as we headed down to the water, Calvin said, "I am so pleased. Oh, I am so very pleased that we are at the river. This is such a wonderful place, isn't it?" He talks like this all the time, with very adult, literary turns of phrase.

Naked Exclamations
Calvin and Hobbes were spending the night at my in-laws' the other night. Auntie M was just leaving, and Grampa was in charge of bathtime. He was also downloading a computer game for them to play once the bath was over. Calvin ran out of the house, naked except for one sock, yelling, "Wait, Auntie M! Wait! I have to tell you something. The download is sixty-two percent complete!" Let me tell you, she was so very glad to know that before she left.

There are so many more that I can't remember right now. Maybe there will be another installment when my mind is working better. He may be impossible to handle sometimes, but I am learning more and more to just enjoy Calvin for who he is, brilliant, quirky mind and all.

Someone forgot to tell the rhododendron...

2009-10-22T22:00:00.004-04:00

...that Summer is over.

I snapped this picture this past weekend at my uncle's cabin on the lake. The sounds of falling leaves in the mountains were all around me. The air smelled of snow. And the rhododendron were blooming...a second time or a first, I don't know.

I'm sure there's a spiritual lesson in there somewhere. I'm so very tired and so very busy and so very overwhelmed that I don't have time to extrapolate it.

For now, I am going to recover from our amazing weekend in the mountains, make some apple butter in my crock pot from our apple picking expedition, and try to get us settled into a new rhythm now that Daddy TwoSquare is working from home. (That's right, he already has a new contract job that will pay the bills, allow him to work fewer hours, and give me some help PREPARING FOR THE MOVE IN A YEAR.)

We are blessed. Busy, but blessed. I leave you with my morning view from this past weekend, a weekend with no Calvin and Hobbes, three lovely siblings-in-law, sweet Linus, cold mountain air, and lots of alone time and good adult conversation.

A Coup

2009-10-14T22:56:00.004-04:00

Hi, TwoSquare's blog here. Apparently, she has decided she no longer needs me. I guess I'll just have to stage a takeover of this space. I heard her talking with her husband about some new job possibilities for him...and then there was something about getting up to the mountains to enjoy the Fall foliage.

If she doesn't get back to writing soon, expect to hear more from me. I'm sure I can come up with all sorts of interesting posts. Anyone want to know the finer points of HTML? How to spice up those boring templates? Troubleshooting problems with links? I've got it all here. If you are really good, maybe we can talk some CSS...

No, wait! Come back! She'll be back soon! I promise! (just as soon as she gets herself out from under that mountain of paperwork, insurance info, homeschooling curriculum, and laundry...)

Charting a New Course

2009-10-07T21:43:00.003-04:00

So, things have been a little bit crazy around the Two Square household this past week. Daddy Two Square (the poor man needs a blog alias of some sort) was laid off last Thursday, along with half of his company. We have no reason to complain and are so blessed compared to many people these days. We have money in the bank, my husband already has several potential contracting positions, and my in-laws keep us supplied in eggs and milk and would even take us in if we had to sell our house.

In a crazy way, this is probably an answer to pray and the solution to many problems for us. Until last Thursday, I was drowning in the Things To Do Ocean, wondering how we would ever get support raised, prep our house to put it on the market, homeschool Calvin, get ready to move overseas, and manage the daily tasks of life. I did the math. It was impossible. The weight of stress was so heavy that I felt I couldn't breathe.

Now we are looking at having my husband working from home, likely taking the jobs he wants for the number of hours he wants a week. This support raising and move may become a reality. I feel like I am finally coming up for air.

Unfortunately, I came up to a storm of boys anxious and unsure about what it means that Daddy lost his job and is home all of the time. We are all trying to figure it out, find a new rhythm, settle into yet another new daily and weekly schedule. But God's hand is all over this situation, and we are thankful. He is moving us on to the next phase of our journey. It just might be a rough few weeks getting the boat to sail smoothly.

In the meantime, I am learning all kinds of things about His presence in the details of our lives. But I'll save that for another post. Hopefully I'll be back at it once things settle around here. I miss writing.

These Are The Days

2009-09-30T13:14:00.005-04:00

Mountains are giant, restful, absorbent. You can heave your spirit into a mountain and the mountain will keep it, folded, and not throw it back as some creeks will. The creeks are the world with all its stimulus and beauty; I live there. But the mountains are home.

-Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

These are the days of cool breezes and trees on fire. These are the days of wet grass in the morning and hot tea in the evening. These are the days of sweaters wrapped around shoulders and eyes turned westward. These are the days I long to get back to my mountains. To my soul. To my home.

7 Quick Takes-Just Stop Buying Stuff and Grow Something!

2009-09-25T15:35:00.004-04:00

For more (and better) Quick Takes, visit Jen.

Oh, I do have a restless mind these days. There is so much going on, so much to accomplish toward our goal of being overseas next Summer, so many little people with big needs and even bigger smiles. I am overwhelmed. Then there are the big problems of the world that always seem to crash full force into my brain all at once. I start thinking I need to solve the problem of injustice, save the environment, get my house perfect to put on the market, teach my children poetry and music, and have all the laundry folded and put away. Something has to give...but usually I just get paralyzed and collapse on the couch unable even to get dinner on the table. Ever feel that way?

1. Big Problem of the Week: Consumerism
I was passing a dollar store today and saw a sign in the window that said "Be Part of the Solution" with a photo of a reusable dollar store bag. Now I am all for reusable bags, but isn't the whole dollar store (home of cheap, plastic, landfill-cluttering goods) a bigger problem than my occasional plastic bag? Besides, do all of these bags that stores are now selling come from recycled plastic? Maybe. Isn't it better to just use random canvas tote bags that you already have around than to buy new bags? I hate how we have turned even being green into a chance to consume.

2. Fair Trade and Justice
I think I mentioned the book Everyday Justice last Quick Takes. The first words of the book are "Don't panic" (or something like that). I am supposed to read the book and think about baby steps I can take. But that is not how my mind works, so I just get overwhelmed thinking I will never be able to make sure everything I buy is from fair trade sources. Then I give up.

3. Consumerism Mecca: The Mall
We were at the mall yesterday eating lunch with the hubby, and I couldn't even enjoy it at all. I kept wondering where and how my Chick-fil-A chicken was raised and what conditions the workers in the slaughterhouse worked under. Then I looked around at all of the stuff for people to buy. SO MUCH STUFF! And I thought that even if I buy everything second-hand, use Freecycle for stuff I no longer need, and cut down on consumption of things that aren't fair trade it would never be enough.

4. Sometimes I just wish Jesus would come back and make us all agrarian again. Speaking of that, I get to hear Norman Wirzba tonight. I love living here!

5. I need rest. And these this lovely blog post by my friend Catherine was exactly what I needed to read today.

6. Things that do not worry me? Swine flu (excuse me, H1N1) and the economic crisis.

I know we could get the flu, but we live in such a privileged place, that it is highly unlikely the outcome would be bad. And we would all have stronger immune systems.

I know my husband could lose his job, but we have resourceful families and could make it in a depression. If this crisis could stop the awful, cheap urban sprawl building that is destroying our good land, force more people to learn to grow their own food or buy it locally, and make more conservationists out of consumers, then it is a good thing. Unfortunately, I fear we are too hasty to turn things around and are just propping up our economy on more greed and consumerism.

7. And now, to end it with some humor...

Thanks to Jennifer for this excellent link on the new Dan Brown book (speaking of stuff not to buy). If you hate his books as much as I do, you'll love this.

Even Tax Collectors Get a Saint

2009-09-21T09:46:00.002-04:00

Happy Feast of St. Matthew.

We haven't ever really celebrated saint's days, but I figure now is as good a time as any. I have been using the Divine Hours books by Phyllis Tickle for my prayer time, and she always notes the feast days. Maybe I'll read the boys the story of Levi (Matthew before Jesus called him and changed his name). If you are interested, here are a few links:

Venerable Bede on St. Matthew (a convicting sermon)

Brief summary of St. Matthew with ideas for celebrating today

A blog post I stumbled upon with good ideas for celebrating

Also, one website suggested baking a cake with coins in it and reading the parable of the hidden treasure in Matthew 13.

All good ideas. What are you planning to do?

7 Quick Takes-Good Links Edition

2009-09-17T22:53:00.006-04:00

With nothing much to say of my own, I turn to some great links to check out. Be sure not to miss number 7, it's the best!

1. I have often found links that I love that turn out to be from Slate. Meandering around the internet tonight, I have decided that I love that site. So good. As an English major, I despise Dan Brown's novels on a purely aesthetic level. I can't get past a few sentences. This Dan Brown plot generator made me laugh...heartily.

2. While we are on the topic of English majors, now I know where all of those folks I graduated with get jobs. I think I have found a way to bring in some income while being a stay-at-home mom. My favorite part of this article:

I began to feel guilty. Some poor writer somewhere was plowing through this tome, then concocting a meaningless mishmash of words simply to fill four pages and satisfy the bizarre whims of a solitary, heartless taskmaster (me). But then I realized this is exactly what I did for all four years of college—and I paid them for the privilege!

3. And here's some good advice on engaging the health care debate.

4. Moving on from Slate, Tipper's series on old Civil War letters is fascinating, a little peek into a common Confederate soldier's thoughts, complete with Appalachian dialect. Her site is a great way to learn about Appalachia, anyway. Check her out.

5. My husband and I become more convicted every day about what we consume and where it comes from, and this site is a great place to begin. I am glad Christians are a big part of this movement for justice. Time to find some fair trade chocolate.

6. This post from Jen was especially convicting to me this week. How often do I get so focused on my own perspective of situations that I miss the bigger picture?

7. And, finally, the link you can't miss...A Bob Dylan Christmas album...I thought it was a joke. I LOVE Bob Dylan, but this is, well, I don't know what to do with it. But I will probably own it. Go listen to the links. You have to! (HT to First Things.com)

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen.

Sometimes Droids Are Just Easier

2009-09-17T09:48:00.003-04:00

Thanks to Uncle M, the boys have been introduced to the world of Star Wars. They have only seen Episode IV, but because Calvin can read the backs of the DVD cases, they know the basic plots of Episode V and VI. The following was conversation over breakfast this morning. Sometimes I wonder how poor Hobbes will survive being Calvin's younger brother.

H: "Han Solo gets captured by The Jaba Hunt, and Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia rescue him."

C: "No! They use the Force to rescue him."

H: "Yes, they use the Force."

C: "Do you even know what the Force does? They use it to freeze people so they can't move."

H: "They use it to make people freezed." (Shivers as if freezing.)

C: "Do you even know what the Force is?"

H: "No"

C: "They believe it's all living things."

H: "It's all obal things."

C: "No! It's all LIVING things."

H: "Oh. All living things."

This conversation went on for a while longer, but I was cleaning up breakfast dishes. I'm pretty sure Calvin corrected Hobbes on all important aspects of Star Wars trivia, whether he knew the correct facts himself or not. Then they asked me whether or not Yoda ever gets any bigger.

Me: "Yoda and Princess Leia were my favorite characters when I was little."

C: "Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi are my favorites."

H: "R2D2, R5D4, and C3PO are my favorites."

Yes, dear Hobbes, sometimes robots that you can boss around are much easier to live with than older brothers. Then again, there's always Han Solo. If he can ever get away from The Jaba Hunt, that is.

That Half Is So Big

2009-09-15T14:54:00.006-04:00

My sweet, funny, charming, quirky Hobbes,

You turn three and a half in a few days. That half is so big. This time last year, I sent you off to Chinese preschool way too soon. You were so young. There was still so much baby in you, in the pudginess around your face, in your neediness when I rocked you to sleep, in the way you followed your big brother's lead in everything. Your articulation was full of adorable mistakes that made you seem even younger than you were.

Six months ago you started becoming a little boy. You were almost three months into the role of big brother, and you loved every minute of it. You still wanted a space shuttle birthday cake, just like Calvin. There was still some pudginess clinging to the edges of your face. You still needed me to lie with you at bedtime. Your words were still often difficult to understand, but they were getting clearer every day.

And soon you will be the oh-so-big three and a half. There is no baby fat left on the angular boy face, a face that already shows me some of what you will look like as a man. You are no longer the littlest boy at school, and though you still prefer to be home with mommy, you walk into class with more confidence than before. You are asserting your individual preferences every day, contradicting your brother's will in play, and insisting that he follow your idea for the adventure or game. You are no longer Calvin's shadow, often to his great frustration. You love being responsible for your baby brother. Your imagination is coming alive and sometimes blows me away. Sometimes it frustrates me, too, like when you have a battle between the good guy and bad guy spoons when you are supposed to be putting away the silverware. Your speech is more clear. Your body is thin and strong. You are not a toddler any more.

I should not have been surprised. I've been through it once before, this transformation. But it caught me by surprise. That half is so big.

But Sunday, when you agreed to let me rock you instead of having to go down for a nap, when you fell asleep in my arms, your long body draped across me and your sharp chin digging into my shoulder, there was still some bit of the baby you were hanging on inside of you. And at night, when you still need me to lie with you, I think you are not quite grown up yet. Not yet.

I love the boy you are becoming and the light that you bring.

Ramblin' (wo)Man

2009-09-08T10:45:00.004-04:00

I feel the need to write, but I have no coherent thoughts. Ever feel that way? My mind is swirling.

I am thinking about health care and these two posts and what it all means and if our country is going to make a big mistake and how much it really matters, anyway.

I am thinking about the mountains that I just left behind yesterday, about how beautiful they were and how much I enjoyed the hike with my husband and Calvin and Linus. Calvin ran most of the mile downhill to the waterfall and most of the mile back up, occasionally asking for a ride on his daddy's shoulders because "I think I am going to fall down on the job. I don't know what that means, but I keep saying it."

I am thinking about sweet Hobbes and how he is learning to claim the alone time he needs with people. Yesterday it was with his Nana at a park in "Mitford" while we hiked. Saturday it was alone with Uncle M's old Star Wars toys, making up stories and using voices. "Darth Vader do you want to go get the good guys? Yes, let's blow them up, but first we have to load our ship. Okay, that sounds like an exciting idea...."

I am thinking about my daddy, who died three years ago and whom we remembered this weekend by repeating a Labor Day family tradition of spending the night here and enjoying the Parkway.

I am thinking about how Linus woke up ready to move, unwilling even to sit in his high chair to eat breakfast, trying so hard to crawl and getting so angry that he couldn't do it instantly. He will be crawling soon, and the house is not ready for that!

I am thinking about Fall, probably our last in the States for awhile, and how much I love this season.

I am thinking.

Excuse Me...

2009-09-05T12:29:00.001-04:00

...while I watch some football. First Saturday of the season. Best day of the year.

7 Quick Takes-What's Working Right Now

2009-09-04T08:25:00.001-04:00

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen at Conversion Diary.

My brain is slowly atrophying. I am so busy with mothering stuff and homemaking stuff and moving overseas-support raising stuff that I am finding it hard to read or to keep up with current events or even to watch movies. Certainly, I am not finding time to write about any of those things. All that to say that this is yet another boring parenting post. But some of you might find it interesting or at least be able to weigh in on some of it. If you could care less about parenting, just skip to number 7 for what's really important.

1. Attentiveness. Responsibility. Respect. A friend of mine recently mentioned these as three character traits that are the focus of the Christian, classical school where her husband teaches. I thought they were pretty good words for what we want to foster around home as well, and they seem to encompass most of the problem areas of behavior. So the boys and I made a poster with those three words, talked about what they meant, and drew pictures and wrote some ideas under each word. It's great to have key concepts to point out ("Calvin, is that showing respect?") that the boys can then attach to certain behaviors.

2. Reward charts. I resisted them for so long because I so snottily assumed they would teach my kids to work for external reward and/or to be people pleasers. Know what? Those things are okay! They are how kids are wired, and with maturity comes a greater pull to internal gratification. In the meantime, we have two charts with space shuttles in the corner, blasting off from Earth and following a trail through the solar system to Pluto. Once all of the dots on the trail are covered with star stickers and the shuttles reach Pluto, the boys get a treat. Each time I see them making a special effort to be attentive, responsible, or respectful without having to be asked and/or without complaining, they get a star. Calvin is especially into it, and Hobbes is because his brother is.

3. M&M's for dinner. Okay, I'm not really feeding the boys candy for dinner, but this is another reward system that is working for us. During some meals, when I want the boys to work on a particular table manner, like staying in their seats or, heaven forbid, eating with utensils instead of hands, I put five M&M's on the table for each of them. When they do whatever we are working on avoiding, I take a candy away. They get to eat whatever pieces are left at the end of the meal. Sometimes Hobbes says he didn't want candy anyway, so I am not sure this external reward thing is as effective with him.

4. Not-so-baby food. Linus still has not developed the coordination to feed himself, has no teeth, and is constantly hungry, like a linebacker. My only solution has been using this food mill to grind up our dinners whenever possible and feed them to him. It is the only way to get enough food into him without sitting there for hours. He is still always hungry and nursing every three hours during the day, but we are slowly figuring out how to feed him.

5. Common Sense Advice. Have I mentioned my new favorite blog? Go check out Like Mother, Like Daughter for some fantastic common sense, mommy-guilt-free advice about parenting and homemaking. Her worksheets on the sidebar are excellent. Really, delete all other parenting blogs from your reader and read hers. It is SO refreshing.

6. Homeschool. Yep, I'm giving it a try. Calvin loves Saxon math, but may be done with the first grade curriculum before Christmas at this pace. He begs to do more each day. I am hoping to get into a morning routine of doing the calendar and weather and daily/weekly schedule. Since we have a small house, I decided to make a small, portable "bulletin board" out of a pocket folder. I know this idea isn't original, but I thought I would throw it out there. I will do the calendar and weather on one side of the inside and the schedule on the other. I plan to use a combination of sticky notes and velcro tabs for attaching the month, day, weather, and schedule cards to the sides, storing the extra pieces in the folder pockets. I'll let you know how it goes.

7. Football. More important than the previous 6 points. The season starts tomorrow. Go Vols!

September

2009-09-01T20:31:00.003-04:00

In real life, I was driving down the interstate in my minivan on a cool morning, baby Linus babbling in his carseat. I was planning to knock out some errands while the other boys were doing "Auntie M School." I had a run to Wal-Mart and some groceries to buy at Trader Joe's. It should have been one of those boring but necessary sorts of mornings.

But I put "Blue Sky" on the stereo, and in my heart, I was a 17-year-old, long-haired girl, dancing barefoot in my bellbottom jeans at an Allman Brothers concert. Some songs just do that to you.

7 Quick Takes-Politics Edition

2009-08-28T22:09:00.003-04:00

I don't usually get on a soapbox and rant on this blog. But I am sort of in the mood to do it. I am just overcome by the craziness in our culture right now. Visit Jen at Conversion Diary for more Quick Takes, many of which are not rants and are better than this post.

1. Have you read my post about health care yet? If not, quit reading this, and go do it. I am totally lost on this issue and really do want some help. It is so hard to find arguments for either side that are based on reason and not trying to manipulate my emotions. Tell me what you think and why. Convince me.

2. I am sure Senator Kennedy wasn't a horrible person. I am also sure he was not a great person. He championed a lot of causes he believed in, but he also seemed to be just a sleazy as the next politician, especially when it came to women. Really, I don't like making people into saints just because they die. And I especially don't understand why feminists would weep over the senator's passing. I just don't get it. I hope he came to the end of his life with an honest view of his rights and wrongs and a spirit of humility and repentance. I hope I can do the same, acknowledging my faults before God, dependent on His grace, and knowing that I have done some good. Please, don't feel the need to say things about me that aren't true, just because I am dead.

3. Have you read about the 13-year-old Dutch girl who wants to sail around the world? The government has taken temporary custody of her, and psychologists are saying the isolation of the two-year-trip would be bad for her and that she is too young to attempt it. Maybe she is too young, but she was born on a boat, has sailed alone since 10, and is supported in this by her parents. It seems to me that being separated from girls her own age right now, attempting something so incredibly challenging, and gaining a broad perspective on life would be a GREAT thing for a teenage girl to do. I certainly think her parents, and not state courts and psychologists should be able to decide this one.

4. Want to do something good in the world of politics? Go here and let the Army Corps of Engineers know you don't approve of permits for Mountaintop Removal Coal Mining. Yep, I'm asking again. Why? Because it is the worst environmental disaster in our country, hands down. Help. Please!

5. I am slowly working my way through Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. And it is fascinating. I don't agree with everything, and I am not sure I am going to agree with the author's solution of better government programs. I do agree with her assessment of American overparenting. We have such an obsession with arranging our children's learning environments, their experiences and activities, to create successful, perfect people. We have forgotten how to let our kids be kids. I am seeing the fruits of this now, with Calvin, who just needs me to back off and let him do his thing. Linus is such a different, and more well-adjusted, child because I haven't obsessed over him so much.

6. Did you know Reading Rainbow is no longer going to be made? So many issues come up in this article. I was devastated when my local PBS station stopped showing Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood except at 6:30 on Saturday mornings. I don't like ANY of the new shows on PBS. They are so flashy and quick and assaulting to senses. I don't think television should be used to teach reading, as the article mentions. Children don't need to learn to read before they are in school; they need to learn it in school. Reading Rainbow simply encouraged a love of books. It was a good show. Now no one is willing to pay to keep it on because we need one more ugly cartoon to teach kids phonics? I think this ties into the Perfect Madness book somehow. I may have a longer post here.

7. I heard on my local NPR station yesterday that parents should be on the lookout for flu-like symptoms in children starting back to school. Apparently, the swine flu is expected to go around, and, get this, BE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER FLU. It may spread more easily, but it poses no more threat to the majority of the population than other seasonal flu strains. Just one more reason 24-hour media is a bad idea. When there was nothing to talk about, H1N1 was the next great plague. Now that we have Kennedy's death, Jackson's homicide, universal health care, and all sorts of things to talk about, it is just another seasonal illness that may be a bit worse than most.

Let's Talk Health Care

2009-08-18T17:25:00.004-04:00

It has been a rough few weeks of illness around here, which we finally decided was some undiagnosable GI bug (which is currently giving sweet Linus a fever and stomach pain). As I was sitting in the ER Friday morning with Hobbes, trying to find the source of two days and two nights of stomach cramps every 20 minutes, I thought about a lot of things.

I thought about how much I love my middle son, that impish, mischievous, quirky way he has about him. And I though about how perfect our family is because he is right there in the middle, driving Calvin crazy when he needs to be and bonding with Linus in the most adorable way.

I thought about how much I hate hospitals. I am glad we have such good health care in this country, but I am even more glad that I have rarely needed it.

I thought about how annoying it is that so many ridiculous tests have to be run, so much time and money wasted, just so that malpractice lawyers can't sue doctors, the majority of whom are competent, caring individuals.

I thought about my dad, who was an amazing doctor who loved bringing new babies into the world and caring for women. And I looked at the kind doctors in the pediatric ER and knew that they were there for the same reasons my dad had been, to take care of sick people, to bring healing...NOT to make money. I knew that they would serve my son, screaming in pain in my arms, whether we had health coverage or not.

I thought about this article and how the health care reform could drive some really good people out of a profession they love. Let's face it, how many people would give up the prime years of their lives and many hours of sleep, time with family, and a life outside of work to work in an inefficient system with poor pay? Money did not make up for the time I didn't have with my father, but the lack of fair wages may have kept him and many others out of medicine. Even really good people will not go into a profession that sucks year of a life away if there is no fair compensation.

I thought about our crappy, unethical health insurance provider and wondered if they would pay this bill. We have good coverage through my husband's work, but we have to fight to get every big bill paid, including Calvin's heart surgery, for which we had an approval letter from them. That bill took over six months, and I knew how to navigate the system since I had once filed insurance for a doctor. Still, we had to call my husband's HR person to get it paid. What do people do who don't know how to work the system?

I wondered what that morning would look like under the new health care plan. Would we have to wait days for access to tests to find out if Hobbes' pain was something more serious that a virus? Or would things stay the same? Would people who weren't able to afford good care now be able to get it? We are lucky, I know.

This are the things I was thinking about. I am pretty conflicted on the health care issue, and I have yet to find a good, balanced perspective on it. If you can give me some thoughtful, balanced ideas on this, please do, but don't try to sway me with emotional arguments. I want facts.

I am pretty traditionally conservative when it comes to my view of the government running things. In general, I think more government bureaucracy leads to greater inefficiency and poorer quality. Things generally do better when run on a local level and tailored to the needs of a local community.

I have no problem with going after health insurance companies, which I think are a totally unethical and corrupt group of businesses, with a few exceptions. If they only reason folks are fighting universal health care is to protect these guys, then I say it's not worth it.

I respect and trust doctors and think they give up a lot in order to serve the common good. They should be able to work in an environment that rewards them for their sacrifice and allows them to choose to offer services or not based on their conscience.

I think that all of those 18-30ish uninsured adults out there who have decided the cost savings are worth the risk should be allowed to opt out of health insurance.

I don't believe we have a right to immortality, but I do believe we have a duty to provide basic health care to our citizens.

I am conflicted. But I am very glad that Hobbes only had a virus.

Q&A

2009-08-17T20:46:00.002-04:00

I provide the Q. You provide the A.

1. Should I "homeschool" Calvin and how much?

He is in Chinese preschool two mornings a week again with the possibility of staying for their extended day program those two days if I choose. Auntie M is also coming one half day a week to do "Auntie Em School" with the boys, which will consist of art and nature and science and whatever fun they can come up with. They will also be at the in-laws' farm one day most weeks.

That leaves me with two and a half unplanned days. It doesn't seem like much, but I think Calvin really needs some structured activities. He is ready to learn. He also needs to be free to play. What would you do with a five-year-old boy who is reading chapter books and doing basic math?

2. What do I do with Hobbes?

If I do homeschool Calvin, should I also work out some sort of curriculum for Hobbes? Any suggestions for a three-year-old? Yes, I know I should have been thinking about this months ago. I am a slacker like that.

3. Are reward charts a good idea?

They are sort of time-honored, but I also know plenty of people who think kids needs to learn to be motivated from within. Not sure how that works. Stickers and rewards for full charts DO seem to work. But can I use them for chores or just for good behaviors we are working on? Should chores just be expected and not rewarded? Thoughts?

4. What can I feed Linus?

He got over baby food a long time ago, but he still has no teeth. I put a lot of our food through the food mill for him at dinner, but I am running out of healthy breakfast and lunch ideas for him to gum up into swallowable pieces. We already do oatmeal, yogurt, bagels, cheese, rice cakes, toast, soft veggies, and fruit. Any creative ideas are appreciated. He eats A LOT, and if he doesn't get enough, he wakes up hungry at night.

Just some of what's on my mind this week.

7 Quick Takes-Review Edition

2009-08-13T20:51:00.006-04:00

Though I have not managed to write much over the past three weeks, I have managed to read a few books and watch a few movies. Most of those during vacation at the beach. Since it doesn't look like I'll be having much time to write real reviews anytime soon, here are my abbreviated versions. For more Quick Takes, visit Jen.

1. Doubt was an excellent film! I had avoided seeing it because I assumed any movie about the Catholic church that Hollywood actually liked would just be a thinly veiled attack on the church. Also, Phillip Seymour Hoffman creeps me out in real life. It is a testament to this film (and therefore to the play upon which it is based), that I managed to stay up way past my bedtime discussing it with my husband. Usually nothing keeps me up past my bedtime.

The movie was brilliantly acted, and I was blown away, once again, by Meryl Streep. That woman is amazing! I actually found myself liking Hoffman's character in some scenes. (See above statement about being creeped out.) And, although I would like to see Amy Adams play something other than the sweet, innocent young woman, I do love her. (I have loved her since Junebug, which is another movie you should definitely see, especially if you are from North Carolina...or not from NC. It simultaneously affirms your stereotypes about Southerners and blows them out of the water.)

Anyway, some have criticized Doubt for being too stiff and literary and reliant on symbolism. It IS based on a play, and I like literary movies full of symbolism. I didn't completely agree with the playwright's premise, too much nihilism for me. But I do think that doubt which leads to faith or away from it is an important topic. Watch it. Come away with a lot of questions. And let me know what you think.

2. I read The Last Chinese Chef for a bookclub with other moms at the boys' Chinese school. It was a fun read, perfect for summer, and I learned so much about traditional Chinese cuisine that I didn't know. Since I have experience with real (non-Americanized) Chinese food, the descriptions of the meals left my mouth watering and made me excited to move to China. I suppose the plot was good, but the novel seemed mostly just an excuse to explore the world of Chinese cooking, definitely a topic worth exploring!

3. In case you missed it, I have three boys. When someone gave me Raising Cain to read, I was reluctant. I didn't want yet another expert telling me that boys need to learn to express their feminine side and quell their natural tendency toward aggression rather than channeling it somewhere healthy.

I was very pleasantly surprised by Kindlon and Thompson's book. It takes a look at the main problems facing boys in today's American culture, like violence, anger, depression, substance abuse, and immature relationships, and looks at some of the ways our culture keeps boys from realizing their full potential as men. The authors, both psychologists with school counseling experience, use examples of boys they have counseled to show how the culture of cruelty and the pressure to "be a man" keep boys from forming meaningful and emotionally mature relationships with one another.

There is so much good information in there, along with some important warnings from the lives of boys. This is the best book I have read so far on helping boys to become mature, emotionally secure men while still recognizing the difference between men and women. I highly recommend it!

4. On a lighter note, I read The Mysterious Benedict Society last summer at the beach, so I picked up the second in the series to read this year. They are super-fun juvenile fiction with smart, weird, misfit kids as heroes. I am definitely holding onto these for my boys!

5. I grew up loving the Frances books, so when I realized we didn't own any, I went out and bought Bedtime for Frances for the boys. Hobbes has asked me to read it again, and again, and again. If you don't own these, check them out.

6. I finally started Perfect Madness, and while I already don't agree with everything the author assumes, I am finding it a fascinating read. The biggest issue I have is that I don't assume that children shouldn't get in the way of living my adult life. The selfish attitude that has led to a declining birth rate in Western Europe is not necessarily a good thing. At the same time, I think our child-centered mothering culture, where we worry more about affirming our children's self-esteem and making them the center of the universe than teaching them to respect authority, can learn something from Europe. There is a balance somewhere in there of accepting children as a gift and responsibility that will mess up your life a bit while not making them the total focus. Maybe I will write more once I have read the whole book. I'd love to hear from anyone else who has read it.

7. Finally, did I mention that my husband and I just finished watching Brideshead Revisited? We watched the miniseries from the 80's. Do NOT watch the new movie. The series was long and often painful, and I was certain there was no good reason to watch it. Over and over again, we almost stopped. But we just couldn't. The characters were too intriguing. Also, many people we respected had said it was well worth watching. It was, in the end, a profound statement about God's grace and His ability to work through and in the very screwed up lives of His church. I almost want to go back and watch it again. Almost. I would need a lot of time.

Reality

2009-08-13T15:04:00.004-04:00

Calvin has a fever. Hobbes is whining. They are starting to fight. Linus is on the floor crying. The breakfast and lunch dishes are scattered over the table and counters and sink. The dining room floor is covered in filthy crumbs. Laundry sits in the washer and dryer needing to be switched out and folded. Clean dishes are still in the dishwasher. The bathrooms haven't been cleaned in weeks. In fact, none of the house has been cleaned in at least a week, most of it much longer than that. Beds are unmade. No one has napped well. Every surface of the house is covered in papers and books and toys and mess. The "spare" room has not been spared and is cluttered with projects half completed. The yard is a jungle, well over a week past due for a mowing. The "garden" is a few sick tomato plants managing to produce some fruit amid the crabgrass. We need groceries. I have not prayed regularly or exercised or eaten well in weeks. I have alternately yelled at my kids and ignored them.

Just in case you have any illusions about my life. This is what it is like more often than I would like these days. Constant travel and the end of summer, ready for a schedule and school blues have not helped.

Just living up to my imperfect blog title. Here's to a more peaceful, orderly, meaningful Fall. Oh, and to football...soon.

"Screws fall out all the time."

2009-08-08T11:36:00.004-04:00

"The world's an imperfect place." John Hughes is dead.

I have seen The Breakfast Club more than any other movie. Much more. Ask my college roommates. I am pretty sure I watched it once a week in college. I quote it all the time. My two best guy friends in high school often bugged me by calling me Claire. It is brilliant on so many levels, but most of all, it is brilliant because it captures so truly and perfectly the high school experience. Johns Hughes understood teenagers and took them seriously, not too seriously, but just seriously enough. Others have said it better than I.

I am sad. May God's peace be with him and his family. I will leave it at that.

He has more important things to do.

2009-08-04T17:11:00.002-04:00

Sunday was Calvin's fifth birthday! Maybe I will write more on that later. We celebrated at the beach on Friday night, but I called him Sunday to wish him a "Happy Birthday." He was in the car with my mom, just returning from church where half of my relatives probably wished him the same.

"Happy Birthday, Calvin!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what everybody says to me."

End of conversation.

He's five now. He has more important things to do.

Knock, Knock

2009-08-02T23:20:00.002-04:00

Is anyone home?

She peers sheepishly around the corner.

We just returned from a week at the beach. Calvin and Hobbes went back to Tennessee with my mom for a few days. We have more travel coming up. I hope you'll excuse me if I take the next week or so off to get some work done in real life. I may stop by to say, "hi," but it isn't likely. It's not often I have only the baby and can actually tackle big projects around the house. Maybe I will show up with some movie or book suggestions now and then. See you closer to the school year.

TwoSquare

7 Quick Takes-On The Road Again...And Again...And Again...

2009-07-24T15:25:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time, there was a woman named TwoSquare who had a blog, but she got a serious case of summer and was never heard from again.

It feels like I have been away from this space forever, and I won't be back anytime soon. It is mostly for good reasons.

1. I say mostly because my husband has been working crazy hours and his software job, and I have had a lot of LONG days alone with the boys. We are tired and crabby. All of us. Except Linus, who is perfect, as always. (And who ate a huge jar of baby mac & cheese, two egg yolks, and half a slice of cantaloupe for lunch. He only weighs 15 pounds at 7 months. Where does he put it?)

2. So we have been spending a lot of time at the pool. Yes, I have lived there this summer, and it is starting to show. The boys are tan, and Calvin is swimming on his own. Once he learned, there was no stopping him. Wednesday, we were there with a friend, and he was jumping in and swimming to her while I had the two other boys in the baby pool. At some point, I turned around to see him diving into the water! She had not told him to do that, and she was just as surprised as I was to see him try. Apparently, he just decided it was time.

3. Speaking of Calvin, he will be FIVE in a week and couple of days. FIVE! How did that happen? In honor of his birthday (or maybe just because we all need it and it was planned months ago), we are going to the beach for a week with my family. I can't wait! After that, the boys head home with their Nana for a few days, and I get some time with just the baby, hopefully to get some projects done around the house in time for the Fall.

4. Not that we are sitting still until school starts. After the beach, we have a crazy long weekend trip to the midwest for the hubby's Grandma's 90th birthday and a big family reunion.

5. And somewhere in between there and school starting, we need to get back to the homeplace and visit my Grandma, who decided to get chemo and is doing pretty well, though her prognosis is still only for a year at most.

6. Oh, and then there is the little matter of getting ready to move to Asia. When that is going to happen, I am not sure. But our dear friend who has been there for two years was home on a visit and with us a couple of days this week. She said the phrase "put on my face" (in reference to her make-up), and Hobbes thought it was great. I heard him in bed last night saying, "Calvin, I need to put on my face. I'm putting on my face. Look at me put on my face." Funny. Since I haven't purchased makeup since my wedding seven years ago, he would have never heard that from me!

7. With all of this moving around, we need a little time sitting still to read. I am re-reading The Brothers Karamozov in the best translation, and I am taking The Last Chinese Chef to the beach, along with a stack of books I may or may not get to. And the boys and I are really loving Tomie DePaola lately, especially the Strega Nona books.

What about you? Where have you been traveling and what's on your summer reading list? Visit Jen for more Quick Takes.

7 Quick Takes, Ending With a Calvinism

2009-07-16T15:00:00.009-04:00

1. We are in the verge of a lesson in "Nature, red in tooth and claw" at the Two Square house. A bird built a nest in our very dead hanging plant on our front porch, and we noticed Wednesday that the eggs had hatched. They must have hatched a while ago, because yesterday we had a fledgling trying hard to learn how to fly. The boys and I have loved watching the mommy bird bring food to her babies and encourage them to fly.

The problem? Our neighbor's cat has also enjoyed watching them, a little too much. So we spent yesterday helping the fledgling back to its nest every time it made a failed attempt at flying. We would take the hanging basket down, let the bird hop back up, and hang it back on the porch, hoping the cat didn't see its next fall before we did. Unfortunately, we came home from dinner out to find the fledgling missing and the cat waiting eagerly for another one to fall. Could get interesting today.

2. Speaking of hungry animals, I have enjoyed making lists of all of the foods Linus has tried at this point. I wonder how he ever survived just on breastmilk, honestly. He has tried all of the major fruits and veggies, rice, barley, oats, yogurt, chicken, beef, and turkey. That's the short list. Some of this is store bought baby food. Some of it is made by me. Seems the store bought kind is too smooth for this bottomless pit of a baby. He likes it as close to the real texture as he can get. In fact, he was happy to down some banana pudding and blueberry batter pie at our 4th of July picnic. And plain rice cakes that he can feed himself? Those are good for 30 minutes of entertainment, at least.

3. This constant eating is finally producing better sleep. Though Linus is not completely sleeping through the night for 10 or 12 hours, he is usually only waking once. Bliss!

4. Have you heard of this book? I have been thinking a long time about how our culture tries to turn motherhood into a profession that can be perfected and about how the attachment parenting movement, despite its good intentions, has left so many mothers feeling like failures because they can never give enough of themselves. Seems I'm not the only one. I'm looking forward to reading this and seeing what she has to say. I don't know if she explores the effect this type of over-anxious parenting may have on our kids, but I would be interested to know.

5. Speaking of parenting books, has anyone read Siblings Without Rivalry? If so, do you recommend it? Calvin and Hobbes are driving each other (and me) up the wall. I know some fighting is normal, especially between two boys so close in age, but really, does every playtime have to end in a fist fight? Mothers of boys, how much should I just overlook?

Lest you think they are terrors, here are two cute moments from yesterday:

6. Today's the day the dinosaurs have their picnic...

I love my boys' growing imaginations. This was set up before breakfast this morning...before I even got out of bed. Apparently, dinos eat Nerf balls. Who knew?

7. And, saving the best for last, a Calvinism for today:

Me (talking on the phone to my mom about my mother-in-law's fam): "They're great problem solvers. They'll figure something out."

Calvin: "I'm not a great problem-solver."

Me: "Yes, you are, Calvin!"

Calvin: "No, I'm not a great problem solver. I'm a problem maker."

Truer words were never spoken. For more quick takes, visit Jen at Conversion Diary.

The Men in My Life

2009-07-12T22:36:00.003-04:00

There are so many moments I want to remember from this weekend.

Hobbes saying "I hope you have a good time!" as we walked out the door to a lovely dinner date at a local French restaurant.

Sitting for a couple of hours with my dear husband as we enjoyed fine food, good wine, and an evening without spilled milk or messy baby food. Walking around downtown and holding hands when the dinner was done.

Taking in all of the sights and sounds of the farmer's market with Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin choosing the sugar baby watermelon to buy and Hobbes carrying a big bunch of zinnias in front of his face as we walked through the market. Getting samples of farmer's cheese from our favorite cheese vendor.

Watching the boys shuck corn from the market and then get distracted by the caterpillars who were sharing our bounty. Hobbes running in to tell me to come and see what Calvin had done. "He put the caterpillar in the tree, Mommy! Now the caterpillar can have a happy life and become a beautiful butterfly!" Calvin's (very grown up) face of joy as he watched the caterpillar climb up a limb of the tree, looking for food.

Husband working on a digital painting on the computer while Calvin had a drawing lesson from him, working on copying a man in armor from a book on the middle ages. Hobbes very happily finger painting while I cooked up some baby food delicacies for Linus. All of us creating in our own way.

Linus relishing the chicken, broccoli, squash concoction I had just cooked up for him, crying the instant his mouth was empty.

Linus again, squealing and smiling and kicking and laughing, enjoying every moment of an afternoon home alone with Mommy and Daddy while his brothers were off at Gram's farm. Those big, blue, beautiful eyes adoring us as we adore him.

There were plenty of difficult and ugly moments, too, I suppose. But I am choosing to remember these. These moments where we were thoroughly enjoying one another as a family. These moments when I was able to stop and look and give thanks for these good gifts, these four men in my life.

Calvin Doesn't Have the Monopoly on Funny

2009-07-05T17:11:00.002-04:00

I know I share A LOT of Calvinisms around here. He is such a precocious kid with a habit of rattling off very grown-up phrases. The truth is, I only record a tiny portion of the hilarious, bizarre, and surprising things he says.

Hobbes' memorable moments are more-involved and don't translate well into blog posts. But he can be just as funny and charming as his brother, often even more so. His imaginative play has reached a new level lately, and he tells the most complex, interesting stories or sets up these incredible scenarios for us to play out on our adventures. I have yet to figure out how to blog about these.

Since he gets so much less press than Calvin, I had to record these funny stories from the weekend.

We spent the 4th of July at my husband's relatives' house. It was a backyard cookout complete with a pool. There were drinks set up in those little pitchers with spouts at the bottom. Hobbes came up and mentioned that he was thirsty. My mother-in-law went to get him a drink. I was busy with the baby, and didn't notice what he was doing. I knew there was tea in one pitcher and that the other contained margaritas. When I turned around, Hobbes was holding a glass full of yellow liquid.

Hobbes looked up with a big smile and said, "Mmm! I REALLY like this lemonade!" Poor guy, he was a bit bewildered when we all laughed and then threw out his "lemonade" and made him get tea. (No, it was not tea from Long Island.)

Today, on the way home from church, I asked Hobbes what his story was about in children's church today.

"There were bad guys and a good guy. And the good guy was Jesus. But Jesus didn't have any weapons."

At this point, Calvin interrupts, "That's because God doesn't need to use weapons."

"God doesn't need any weapons, Mommy."

There you have it. If only I could use words well enough to convey Hobbes' sweet, adorable, quirkiness and his adorable misarticulations, you would have many, many more stories of this amazing middle child. For now, those will have to do.

7 Quick Takes-Too Much, Not Too Much

2009-07-02T21:54:00.005-04:00

For more 7 Quick Takes, visit Jen's blog.

1. Too much to do. I am just overwhelmed these days. There seems to be no way to get everything done that needs to get done in order for us to do anything more than just make it through the day. And you can say all you want about taking it one day at a time, but we do eventually have to get on a plane and move overseas. Insurance bills do need to be straightened out. Some friendships do need to be maintained. Possessions do need to be purged. The dirt and dust under the furniture? That can stick around a while.

2. Too much stuff. I alluded to this in the first one. I have never been so aware of how much stuff we have. I look at everything in our house and ask whether to toss it, give it away, store it, or take it to Asia. I know we still have a year or so, but if I don't start now, it will never get done. Really, compared to most of America, we have very little. It all fits into a 1180 square foot home with small closets and no attic or basement storage space. But when you are moving around the world, it suddenly seems like a lot!

3. Too much cuteness. That is what I think about my kids when I am not thinking about how rotten they can be. Linus knocks my socks off every morning with his smile, Calvin is blowing me away with his new feats of daring and his Lego inventions, and Hobbes' creative mind and imaginative play are in full swing these days.

4. Not too much food. Not for Linus. I finally broke down and made him some homemade baby food last night. Chicken, carrots, and apples. He was getting less than enthusiastic about most of the overly pureed baby foods. He would basically only eat the meat and veggie combos, so I made some of my own. He LOVED the texture. If he could only sit up and would get some teeth...then he would eat anything.

5. Never too many blueberries or peaches or muffins. I found this recipe on the Stoneyfield Farms yogurt container and have used it for strawberry, peach, and blueberry muffins. Yum!

6. Definitely not too many Legos, at least my boys don't think so. My mother-in-law saved the Legos from all four of her kids, so my husband and I estimate there are between 5 and 100 thousand of them. It's kind of hard to tell with Legos. Anyway, we decided it was time to introduce the boys to something greater than Duplos. They are in heaven. They played three solid hours without fighting at my in-laws' yesterday.

7. Absolutely never too much water in the summer. The pool. Didn't I mention that we go there a lot. Thought so. And we are off for a family vacation at the beach later this month. Yeah for water!

This Blog On Hiatus Due To Pool Season

2009-06-30T14:38:00.003-04:00

That's right, folks. I will probably be around here a little bit this summer, but it is officially hotter than...well, hot, anyway. Our house has bad A/C and very little shade. The only solution? The pool. Every day.

And I am trying to get myself, my family, and my stuff into some sort of emotional and physical order before we start this last year of preparing to move overseas.

I may be around, but not much. I'm still reading your blogs, though! Keep me in your readers if you like me enough to keep me around. I'll be back.

On My Way Through the Mountains...

2009-06-24T22:13:00.002-04:00

I used to pick these every summer, making daisy chains or crowns, putting bouquets in my room. I drove by thousands before I finally stopped today and picked a bunch. Lovely. My favorite flower.